A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldnt seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.The woman asked the gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes red?The gentlemen responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?No she replied, but my cucumbers are enormous….
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didnt care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She wont. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said Im not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesnt Jim have a nice car ? Doesnt Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didnt move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldnt last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. Thats what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled QUICK! Theyre home!
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you wont get any for a week.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm… I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers…
My wife telephoned me because she couldn’t get the car started.
I think theres water in the carburettor, she say’s
Dear, I say… if you know there’s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?
Well it’s like this. She said… “I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.â€
Muchas veces… cuando llorás… nadie se percata de tus lágrimas…
Muchas veces… cuando estás triste… nadie se percata de tu tristeza…
Muchas veces… cuando estás preocupado nadie se da cuenta de tu preocupación…
Muchas veces… cuando estás deprimido nadie nota tu depresión…
Muchas veces… cuando estás feliz… nadie se percata de tu sonrisa…
Pero… tirate un pedito, aunque sea chiquito o sacate un moquito, haciéndote el disimulado… y no es joda, vas a ver que por lo menos 2 o 3 hijos de mil putas se dan cuenta de lo que estás haciendo!
A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasnt loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice, Skippy!.
The woman thought, This is great! and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnt even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, Dammit Skippy!
Once again the woman smiled and thought Yes!. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnt even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!
How many Ken Starrs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it costs forty million dollars, and takes a long time
because he keeps asking about the screw part.
Why isnt Monica Lewinsky talking to the press?
Shes under a gag order.
Q. Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?
A. So they can pick cabbage and drive at the same time.