Old and New Jokes

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. – Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

Politics doesnt make strange bedfellows, marriage does. – Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers. – W. Somerset Maugham

Theres a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. Its called marriage. – James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a womans idea and for mans acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. – Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. – H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didnt, theyd be married too. – H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellows religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. – H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. – H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. – H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. – Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. – Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. – Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. – Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when youve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. – Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever youre wrong, admit it; whenever youre right, shut up. – Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. – Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. – Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. – PJ ORourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. – Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. – Poor Jimmys Almanac

It doesnt much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. – Rogers

A husband is whats left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. – Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. – Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. – Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…; they leave skid marks. – Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. – Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Dont marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She
had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was
asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was:When the lady boarded the bus I couldnt help noticing she
was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read Coming Soon:
The Gold Dust Twins.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which
read : Williams Stick Did The Trick.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement which read Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.

The case was dismissed.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

I would like a Sprite, said the first little piggie.

I would like a Coke, said the second little piggie.

I want water, lots and lots of water, said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

I want a nice big steak, said the first piggie.

I would like the salad plate, said the second piggie.

I want water, lots and lots of water, said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

I want a banana split, said the first piggie.

I want a root beer float, said the second piggie.

I want water, lots and lots of water, exclaimed the third little piggie.

Pardon me for asking, said the waiter, but why have you only ordered water?

The third piggies says –

Well, somebody has to go Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student.
What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?

Id throw out an anchor, sir.

What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?

Id throw out another anchor, sir.

But what if a third storm sprang up forward?

Id throw out another anchor, captain.

Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these
anchors?

From the same place youre getting all your storms, sir.

(Now, thats a BRAVE sailor….)

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophies. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?

Well, says Sophie, when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know its going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I know its going to rain, so I dont hang out the wash.

What if he has an erection? asks one of the women.

Honey, says Sophie, on a day like *that*, you dont do the *laundry*!

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus!

Comparing notes, one southern woman said to the other, Horny men are all alike.

Nodding, the other southern belle said, Horny men are all Ah like, too.

HaHaHa, reminds me of a few people I know down here.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you dont have to retrain the cellists.

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctors every move, he asked, Whats that?

The doctor explained, This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he wont know any thing thats going on.

Save your time, Doc, exclaimed the man.

He dont know nothing now.