Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE.
Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your
hole?
I?d like
to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like
a feed bag.
If it?s
true that we are what we eat, I could be you by
morning!
How do you like
your eggs: poached, scrambled, or
fertilized?
I was about to go masturbate
and I needed a name to go with
your face.
You are so fine that I?d eat
your shit just to see where it
came from.
My love for you is like diarrhea,
I just can?t hold it in.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.
Let?s go
fuck.
Is that a keg in your pants? ?Cause I would love to tap
that
ass!
If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?
You remind me of a championship
bass, I don?t know whether
to mount you or eat you!
Your parents must
be retarded, because you are special.
Could I touch your belly button…
from the inside?
I?m not too good at algebra, but doesn?t U+I = 69?
How
about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth
open, and I?ll give
you the meat.
How do you stop an [ethnic] from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Eveybody can roast beef.
Work is for people who dont know how to fish
When I die I want to go peacefully — like my grandfather did — In his
sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of three. Why cant they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
Im writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint.
The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high – as for only $2000 he could have the bureaucrat killed.
The wine made it thru just fine.
And then there was the fellow who took a far-eastern course in exotic love making and announced that hed probably never be able to face his girlfriend again.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible.
— P. J. ORourke
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
— Rita Rudner
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, Whats the matter? You didnt like the other one?
Be on the lookout for the following viruses
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data but forgets where it is stored
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes
OPRA WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted
TITANIC VIRUS(A strain of Lewinsky virus)
Your whole computer goes down
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it – through Windows
Q: What goes Vroom!..screech..Vroom!..screech?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.