Old and New Jokes

OK three people where in a plane. one was



Asian,Mexican and Ameircan the people had





the light the plane cause it was going to





crash





So the Asian throws a bag of rice then the





mexican guy throws a bag of flower and says





he has a lot of these in his country then





the Ameircan guy throws the mexican guy and





says i have a lot of these in my country.

How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Thats proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

yo mama so fat when she stepped on the bathroom scales it said to be continued….

With so many airline problems world-wide, I thought a quik check-list of things to look for before you decide to book any discount type airline service would be helpful.

Heres a few things to be watchful for:

When making the boarding annoucement, the flight attendant informs the passengers that seating is based upon a variation of musical chairs.
As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is wearing an Im with Stupid T-Shirt.
The Captain announces over the intercom the the Flight is delayed while he looks for his misplaced keys to the plane.
The cabin attendant announces that those pesky & boring safety procedure announcements have been eliminated.
The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot.

If youre still in doubt, be watchful if:

the Trendy desert-pastel paint job on the plane, upon a closer look, turns out to be primer-yellow and black.
the Ground Crew is seen using pennies to check tire wear
a man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airlines C.E.O.
a voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft while it is in motion.
the Stewardess offers coffee, tea or Valium

And finally, check to see if:

the air sickness bags have the Lords Prayer printed on them.
Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
a man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passangers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
a telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.
the Navigator is studying a large unfolded Exxon road map, and has a compass hanging from his belt.

After your humans give you a bath, DONT LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead,
run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is
especially good if its right before your humans bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears
back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done
something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house
for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when
you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when
the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at
the humans. Pretend you have no idea what theyre talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose
to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest,
most visible spot to go poo. Take your time and make sure everyone watches.
This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic
bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a
strange human walks by.

Make your own rules. Dont always bring back the stick when playing
fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, dont greet them at
the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible
has happened to you. (Dont reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken
and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you
get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after
going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Two cows were grazing near each other.

One says: Are you worried about the mad cow disease that is going around?.

The other replied: Why should I worry? Im a squirrel.

The more people use it the bigger it gets. If you play with it too much you can go blind. You wouldnt believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really cant interface. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks
today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its
too late. If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. You think youre just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish. The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system. If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself why on earth did I do that? Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it think that those who dont have it are somehow inferior. Those who dont have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have it spend all their time trying to
access it. Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do. Some people believe in security and a

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, I have something to tell you about your child…
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, Whats wrong with it?
The doctor says, Theres nothing really wrong with it, its just a little different! Its a hermaphrodite.
The woman looks confused. A hermaphrodite, whats that?
The doctor replies, It has both features of a male and a female.
The woman looks relieved. What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?

In article <1521@imagine.PAWL.RPI.EDU> William_Johnsonats.rpi.edu@itsgw.rpi.edu writes:

I never did understand why it was supposed to be MEN that were responsible
for the keeping of the toilet seat! Some women consistently complain (note
the SOME) when men leave the seat up, and also complain when men dont put
the seat up to begin with. Now I find the second disgusting, no one wants
to sit on a wet toilet seat. But if the last person in the bathroom was
female, the men are expected to lift the seat.

OK, I didnt post this last time it came around, but here is the
sign I have in my bathroom.

As an historical note, I left a military sub-contractor (which is why
the notice is cast in Milspeak) and lived for 3 weeks with a friend of
the female persuasion, who constantly got on my case to keep the seat
down. I vowed revenge when I got my own apartment, so

A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant: Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?

The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself – Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and Ill see what I can do for you.

The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smarts Circus. Hey Billy – you interested in a talking Dog?

Of course, send him along! If hes any good therell be a few quid in it for you!

An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes: Great news! Youve got an interview tommorow at Billy Smarts Circus!

The dog looks puzzled. What does a circus want with a bricklayer?