Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rats music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, hes not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, hes not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Dont worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rats a ventriloquist.

Love is a many-splendored thing. Until you have to explain to 300 million
people why your splendor by-product is causing a tax hike to cover the
new Presidential Emergency Dry-Cleaning Fund. Then its just a pain in
the ass.

– Alisa Meadows

knock knock

whos there?



cow goes



cow goes who?no silly, cow goes MOO!

Adam was walking around thegarden of Eden, moping. So God asked him, "What is wrong withyou?" Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companon and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "Whatwill a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history….

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?

Sure, replied Jesus. What do I have to do?

Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.

Sounds easy enough. OK.

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, What was it you did for a living?

The old man replied, I was a carpenter.

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. Did you have any family? he asked.

Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.

Jesus leaned forward some more. You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?

Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, Father?

The old man leaned forward and whispered, Pinocchio?

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except Tied to the Whipping Post.

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air." Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Cant we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"? The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard. "My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?The boy writes the words on the blackboard. "Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?" The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve
to begin the process of populating the Earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered, Yes Lord, but what is a kiss? So the Lord gave a brief
description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable.

And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now Id like
you to caress Eve.

And Adam said, What is a caress? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was
even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said, Youve done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to
Eve.

And Adam asked, What is make love, Lord? So the Lord again gave Adam
directions, and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?

Dear
Redneck Son;
Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant
read fast.
We dont live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I wont be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they wouldnt have
to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. Im not sure it works so well though: last
week I put a load in and pulled the chain and havent
seen them since.
The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice
last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent
found out what it is yet so I dont know if your an
aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother….
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully
and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up
truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they

couldnt get the tailgate down.
There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing
much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.