Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.

Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.

As Bill jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.

He went to the little girl and said Awww…those are the cutest puppies

The little girl said These arent puppies. I call them Democrats.

Bill thought this was really sweet and said Well, thats so sweet!

A few days later, Hillary was jogging with Bill when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.

The girl was still there with the box. Bill nudged Hillary and said Watch this.

He asked the little girl, What have you got there? Puppies?

The little girl shook her head and said No, not puppies, I call them Republicans.

Bill was shocked. He said But I thought you said they were Democrats???

The little girl said Well, they were…but now theyve got their eyes open!!

Una vez estaba un hombre matando moscas y en eso llega su compadre y le pregunta:

¿Cuántas moscas llevas?

El otro responde:

Cinco hembras y tres machos.

Pero, ¿cómo sabes el sexo?

Es que tres estaban en la boca de una botella y cinco en el espejo.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. Hello? Hello, is this FBI? Yes. What do you want? Im calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood. This will be noted.

Next day, the FBI comes over to Toms house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.



The phone rings at Toms house. Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come? Yeah! Did they chop your firewood? Yeah they did. Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say my darling. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: Pardon?

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, Isnt that Bush and Cheney sitting over there? The bartender says, Yep, thats them. So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?

Bush says, Were planning WWIII. And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush says, Well, were going to kill 60 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman.

The guy exclaimed, A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 60 million Iranians!

Decide which one you are.

Vain A person who loves the smell of his own farts
Amiable A person who loves the smell of other peoples farts
Proud A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine
Shy A person who releases silent farts and then blushes
Impudent A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs
Unfortunate A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead
Scientific A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution
Nervous A person who stops in the middle of his fart
Honest A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons
Dishonest A person who farts and then blames the dog
Foolish A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours
Thrifty A person who has several good farts in reserve
Anti-Social A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy
Strategic A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing
Unfortunate A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead
Sadistic A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate
Intellectual A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbors fart precisely the latest food item consumed
Athletic A person who farts at the slightest exertion
Miserable A person who would truly love to, but cant fart at all
Sensitive A person who farts and then starts crying

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

“Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire?” “Well,” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid!” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape?” “Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape,” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer’s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. ”Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that stick?” “Well, this here ain’t just any old stick,” says the kid, “this here’s pussy willow.” “Hang on,” says the farmer, “I’ll get my hat!”

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you dont stop fooling around, we wont bring you next time.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.

Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer.

But that wont let people know who it is! protested the lawyer.

Sure it will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, Thats impossible!

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OKd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.