**********************************************
Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
**********************************************
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. Look! They spelled MACYs wrong!
**********************************************
Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
**********************************************
Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
**********************************************
Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
********************************************
Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.
********************************************
Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they dont moo-moo when you pull on their tits.
**********************************************
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
********************************************
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlmiel … eh?
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldnt believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot …
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. He speaks Yiddish?
Vuh den? Chinese maybe?
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his fathers adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too.
Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyers shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, Daven!
Nothing.
Daven … feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven … come on, everybodys looking at you!
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?
Dont be a schlmiel, the parrot replied. You know what odds well get for Yom Kippur?!
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service at a fine Japanese hotel.
Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes… Id like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What?
RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee bayhcem–crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I dont think so
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I dont know what
judo one toes means.
RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! Ive got it! You were saying Toast.
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter–just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and thats all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
and copy–rye?
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: Youre welcome.
A man staggers into the Doctors surgery and gasps: Doctor, help me! Everywhere I look I see talking mice, talking dogs, and even a talking duck! Whats wrong with me?
Doctor says reassuringly: Dont worry, youre just having Disney spells…
John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the salesperson about the dogs pedigree.
She said the dog came from a very long line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs.
Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John was delighted and said, Is this dog smart and intelligent?
Oh, yes, she said, this dog is so smart that within a week it would teach your entire family to talk in its language.
John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful.
The salesperson replied, I have sold this dog five times and it has always come back.
An overweight blonde
consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles
a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty
pounds.
The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was
pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which
produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however,
she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: Thats impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isnt. Im eight today!
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, Crook, come forward. Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet? To feed the toilet duck!