Old and New Jokes

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Its not a bug, its a feature.

El hombre le pregunta a Dios:

¿Por qué hiciste a la mujer tan bella?

Para que te enamores de ella.

¿Y por qué la hiciste tan tonta?

Para que ella se enamore de ti.

After having their eleventh child, a North Georgia mountaineer couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10.

The redneck said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

Trust me, said the doctor.

So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, and most parts of Mississippi.

A College Christmas

Twas the night before finals,



And all through the college,



The students were praying



For last minute knowledge.



Most were quite sleepy,



But none touched their beds,



While visions of essays



danced in their heads.



Out in the taverns,



A few were still drinking,



And hoping that liquor



would loosen up their thinking.



In my own apartment,



I had been pacing,



And dreading exams



I soon would be facing.



My roommate was speechless,



His nose in his books,



And my comments to him



Drew unfriendly looks.



I drained all the coffee,



And brewed a new pot,



No longer caring



That my nerves were shot.



I stared at my notes,



But my thoughts were muddy,



My eyes went ablur,



I just couldnt study.



Some pizza might help,



I said with a shiver,



But each place I called



Refused to deliver.



Id nearly concluded



That life was too cruel,



With futures depending



On grades had in school.



When all of a sudden,



Our door opened wide,



And Patron Saint Put It Off



Ambled inside.



Her spirit was careless,



Her manner was mellow,



She started to bellow:



What kind of student



Would make such a fuss,



To toss back at teachers



What they tossed at us?



On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!



On Last Years Exams!



On Wingit and Slingit,



And Last Minute Crams!



Her message delivered,



She vanished from sight,



But we heard her laughing



Outside in the night.



Your teachers have pegged you,



So just do your best.



Happy Finals to All,



And to All, a good test.

12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.

Dont eat with your mouth full.

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

Ya know… the older I get, the less I crave things I have to stand in line for.
Years ago, when my daughter was dating, she couldnt decide what to get her boyfriend as a birthday present.
Dad? she asked, If you were going to be sixteen this Thursday, what would you want?
Not another thing. I sighed, Not another damn thing.
Trust me on this one – youll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, & of course, lie like hell about your age.
So far, the ones who have been able to get the most out of Mrs JimJrs and my middle-age years have been the Grandchildren.
Social Security agent to applicant: Sir, Im sorry, feeling sixty-five isnt enough; you must actually BE sixty-five.
Weve had a swimming pool for some time, now though I think I watch the Grandkids play more than I do jump in with them. I was wondering just this past summer though, when they stopped making pool chairs that you could get up out of.
Not-quite-so-young single Yuppette to a younger version: At my age, I no longer plan the future, I plot it !

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years.

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!

There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church.

The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun.

As he is being taken away he yells out, Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!