Old and New Jokes

CHICAGO – The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Monday when airline officials at OHare International Airport refused to let a 77 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, 6 inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.

A bat is flying above a street at night and smashes head on into a telephone post.
I swear, this damn walkman is going to kill me someday

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, maybe Ill just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!

The vendor said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about. Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, Damn, this one doesnt have any shoes either!

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX….

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK

9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE

8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY

7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD

6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH

5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT

4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH

3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE

2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK

1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence, she said, and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.
Johnny thinks a second and says none.
The Teacher asked him how he figured that. Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away.
The teacher said Thats not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking.
Then Johnny says Now can I ask you one?.
The teacher said okay. Johnny says There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.
The teacher says, Why, the one thats licking it to which Johnny answered Wrong. Its the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking…

Erase una vez una persona jorobada, que iba caminando tranquilamente por la calle.

Un calvo la vio y le gritó:

¡Eh! ¿Qué llevas en la mochila?}

A lo que el jorobado respondió:

¡Tu peine, capullo!

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.



I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.



A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

There was a little boy and his grandfather going fishing one day. The little boy and grandfather were sitting there and his grandfather pulled out a pack and got a chew of tobacco. The little boy said grandpa can I have some of that he grandpa asks can ur dick touch ur ass he says no his grandpa says then u cant have any. Later on his grandpa pulls a beer out of his cooler and starts drinking it the little boy asks for some his grandpa says can ur dick touch ur ass he says no and his grandpa says u cant have any then. It was getting late into the day and they were both getting hungry and the little boy pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eatting them his grandpa asks for one the boy asks his grandpa can ur dick touch ur ass his grandpa says sure it can the little boy says good go fuck ur self grandma made these cookies for me.