Old and New Jokes

An old Jewish man asked on his deathbed to convert to Christianity.
His family was shocked. Why would you do such a thing? they
asked.

I know Im about to die, he replied, and I figure, better
one of them than one of us!

Dedicated to all married scientists:

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on
his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught
him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His story:

Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and
I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with
some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink
to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see.
I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed
home.

She said, YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WERENT YOU???!!!

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Pepito y su papá van caminando por la calle cuando, de pronto, encuentran un billete de lotería.

Papi, papi, ¿qué pasa si ganamos?

Venecia… Champagne… Mujeres.

¿Y si no, papi?

¡Xochimilco, cerveza… y tu madre!

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?



Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.



Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.



Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Science Watch: Government and auto industry officials are debating which
crash dummies best imitate humans in accidents. Says Paul Ryan, They
cant decide whether its the ones who play with the radio and do their
makeup, or the ones who eat Danishes and spill hot coffee in their laps.

A Builder, a clergyman and a politician sttod outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission.

Im sorry, gentlement, Saint Peter said, but the gates are broken.

The builder took a look at the gate, then offered to repair them for ten dollars.

Why ten dollars? Saint Peter asked.

Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material, the builder explained.

What about you Saint Peter asked the Clergyman. Can you fix them?

Yes, for thirty dollars. Ten for the orphans fund, ten for the churchs building fund, and ten for the poor box.

And you, can you fix them? Saint Peter asked the politician.

Of course, the politician replied. But Ill need $110.

A hundred ten dollars?

Well, fiftys for me, fiftys for you, and for ten bucks, I can get the builder to fix them.

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy Will you marry me?The guy said, No!And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.The End.

General Halftrack called down to the motor pool. A sleepy voice answered, Hullo.

General Halftrack said, How many vehicles in the motor pool?

The sleepy voice said, Hold on.

After a few minutes, he came back on and said, Theres 7 Jeeps, 3 one and a half ton trucks, and 2 staff cars for the fat-ass generals.

General Halftrack was upset by this and said, Do you know who this is?

Sleepy voice said, No.

General Halftrack said, This is General Halftrack!

Dead silence for about 5 seconds. Then the sleepy voice asked, Do you know who this is?

General Halftrack says, No.

Sleepy voice replies, Goodbye, Fat-ass!!!