These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
11
Dec
11
Dec
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.
11
Dec
In Star Wars, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.
The Enterprise needs a big engineering section with an anti-matter unit and normally requires a large crew to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie.
After resisting torture from an Imperial interrogation droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
One word: Lightsabers.
Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective to death with a single glance and a gesture.
The Death Star doesnt give a shit if a world is Class M or not.
Luke Skywalker isnt obsessed with fucking every alien chick he encounters (just his twin sister).
Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
The United Federation of Planets would be in for a big surprise when trying to liberate any ship named Slave I.
Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid fields at 1/4 impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
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Dec
A Los Angeles policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at it, he was astounded to see that the woman at the wheel was
knitting! The cop cranked down his window and yelled, PULL OVER!
NO, the woman yelled back, ITS A PAIR OF SOCKS!
Bart Schaefer
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Dec
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung!!
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Dec
New telephone answering system at County Mental Health: (possibly off to mental health professionals and clients)
ring, ring …
Hello, you have reached the automated operator for County Mental Health.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3,4,5,& 6.
If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are suffering from depression, hang up – it wouldnt have done any good anyway.
Thank you for calling, please make your selection now.
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Dec
One day a blonde went up to a soda machine and put in her money, pushed a button and a soda came out. She put in more money and got another soda. Then a guy came up behind her and was wating for his turn to get a soda.The blonde was still putting in change and getting sodas. Are you done yet, the guy finally asked.Then the blonde replied, No, Im winning.
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Dec
[ Told by the C.O. of HMAS Nirimba at a mess dinner in 1976 ].
In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winters day, there were
several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical
American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its
weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly:
What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, its cold,
wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same
temperature, the streets are packed and you cant even get a cab.
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says:
Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?
He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only
the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are
left.
He says:
Hey, limey: Im talking to you. Ive been to damn near every
country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how
you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole
of the world.
The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,
turning, delicately enquires of the American:
Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?
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Dec
You might be a redneck if…
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
11
Dec
One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?
The student replied, Heres an orange.
The professor was livid.
No! No! Think like a lawyer! the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, Okay, Id tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…