Old and New Jokes

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists at Yales Research Center. The element, tentatively named
administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons
75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would
normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization
in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and
hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained
buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

You think Dueling Banjos is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon Generals Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

What is a blondes definition of a naval destroyer.

A hula hoop with a nail in it.

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.



The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.



The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.



Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

126. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, No, I want to watch them suffer.

Mrs. Levy has just taken little David to school when she it hits her that she forgot to give him his apple.


She spots Mrs. Cohen walking by and askes her to give the apple to the best looking boy in the class.


So Mrs. Cohen gives the Apple to her own Son.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you! The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

Its a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

Whos been eating my porridge, he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

Whos been eating my porridge!, he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells –

For Petes sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first.

It was Momma Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.

It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee.

It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

It was Momma Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

It was Momma Bear who set the table.

It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cats water & food dish.

And, now that youve decided to come downstairs and grace Momma Bear with your presence, …listen good, cause Im only going to say this one time…

I havent made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.

What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.