Old and New Jokes

you are so fat that when you went on a diving bord every one screamed mini van!

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: You will die on a Jewish holiday.

Which one? Arafat asks nervously.

It doesnt matter, replied the psychic. Whenever you die, itll be a Jewish holiday.

Twas the Night After Christmas

by Jeff Foxworthy

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they werent talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.

My wife couldnt argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin,
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.

I said, Claus, I dont know nobody named Claus,
and you aint taking me in without probable cause.

Then the Sheriff he said, The man was shot at last night.
I said, That might have been me, just whats he look like?

The Sheriff replied, Hes a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.
I said, Sheriff that sounds like my wifes sister Sherri.

Its no time for jokes Roy the Sheriff he said.
The man Im describing is dressed all in red.

Im here for the truth now, its time to come clean.
Tell me what youve done, tell me what youve seen.

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldnt have been the first time that Ive spent New Years in jail.

I said, Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFOs.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Reds gutter.

Well my hands were a shakin as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Reds chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin.
I thought hed stolen Reds stuff while old Red was out bowling.

So I yelled, Drop fat boy, hands in the air!
But he went about his business like he hadnt a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.

And as he flew off I heard him extort,
Thats assault with intent Roy, Ill see ya in court.

God is as real as I am, the old man said.
My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

You might be a redneck if…
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. Your Honor, she began coolly, I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.

The well-known polynomial x^2+8x+6 was defaced today by a teenager who had
r00ted the beloved function of one variable through the use of a popular
script known as QuAd 3QaZh0n. The attack set off the usual sequence of
events: an initial panic setting off an orgy of media hype reaching a
crescendo with an article in the mainstream media, a string of copycat
successors, and a meaningless stream of empty promises from vendors who
immediately lapsed back into apathy as the incident left the publics
short-term memory.

Segfault spoke with the culprit, who goes by the name of 2o31js34g,
although his real name is Alvin Schumaker.

I did it for the kicks, said the eighth-grade desperado. Also, it was
problem 12 on my algebra homework.

Schumakers admission that he had learned the technique used to crack the
equation in class led to sweeping reforms at Nathan Hale Middle School,
his alma mater. These range from a draconian school uniform policy to
periodic cavity searches to Internet filters on library computers so
restrictive that they ban the schools own home page.

If these kids would just study their math, we wouldnt have anybody
learning these dangerous equation things, said Nathan Hale principal Fred
Fractal, previously known for shutting down the wood shop because those
nail things look like weapons.

Numerous other tools are avaliable for cracking polynomials exist, such as
Fac-t0R. More worrying are tools for solving large groups of linear
equations at a time; one such program makes reference to a matrix,
obviously an homage to the sci-fi classic.

Many such programs are distributed for the TI series of calculators,
tools widely viewed as a security threat in many fields and rings.
Disturbingly, such devices are increasingly being made avaliable to high
school and college students. Public policy must now answer the question:
where is the line to be drawn between useful tool and bloodthirsty weapon
of mathematical carnage? Who will answer for the countless linear equations
to have undergone Gaussian elimination?

Predictably, immediately following the defacement, thousands of polynomial
security companies came out of the woodwork to hawk their shoddy products.

Our proprietary polynomials are one hundred percent safe because they have
no roots at all, said Len Eir of Rootless.com, a company offering sales
and consulting for polynomials such as x^2+4 and x^6+x^2+101. Despite Eirs
claims, attacks on such polynomials are not uncommon, although Eir
dismissed all such reports as imaginary.

Dave Errential of Integrated Systems stated: Integration technology makes
it easy to add roots to your polynomial. Take 60x^2+264x, for instance. The
roots for that polynomial have been posted in a million places on the web.
But our proprietary integration technology can turn that into 5x^4+44x^3!
Id like to see someone try and find the roots of that polynomial! [Try
x=0. –Ed.] Research has shown that IS polynomials are vulnerable to
several types of attacks, but, again, the vendor has chosen to go after the
research, calling it derivative, rather than investigate the
vulnerabilities.

Our polynomials are of a magnitude so high that it would be impossible to
find their roots even with the most sophisticated technology, said
OrderOfMagnitude.coms Sean Gular. Our proprietary technology allows us to
offer x to the power of one billion, x to the power of one trillion, even x
to the power of ten gazillion! No one can crack these polynomials! [Try
x=0. –Ed.]

Its irresponsible to distribute these polynomial-cracking kits, says
security expert Bruce Schneier of Counterpane Internet Security. Its like
teaching a baby how to do surface integrals. He doesnt understand the
socially responsible way to use this knowledge, so he wreaks havoc.

For improved security, Schneier urges all polynomials to be of fourth order
or higher, and to change roots at least once every two weeks.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Phineas!
Phineas who?
Phineas thing happened on the way to the forum!

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. – Frank Zappa.

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill.

He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato.

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time. – Catherine Zondonella.

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her. – W. C. Fields.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it. – Churchills reply.
Sir, youre drunk! – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Yes madam, and youre ugly. But in the morning I will be sober. – Churchills reply.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. – David Daye.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. – Jack Handy.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart.

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton.

People who drink light beer dont like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Kaiser Wilhelm.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. – Homer Simpson.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. – Unknown

I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan.

They who drink beer will think beer. – Washington Irving.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin.

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me – so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer. – Homer Simpson.

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.

When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partners desk.

I want to fatten it up as fast as possible she said.

Sally got the job