Old and New Jokes

Womans Quote of the Day:



Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner with



Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:



Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

Variation of return your keys

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

It is not true that life is one thing after another, its one stupid thing over and over.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?A: Senator.

On the night of the prom, a boys girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriends granpa and her dog Rover. As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out. So he does and the granpa yells ROVER!
The boy thinks to himself, All right, now he thinks its the dog. I think I will let a little more out. So he does and the granpa yells again, ROVER!
The boyfriend says to himself, All right, now he really thinks its the dog. I think I will let the rest out. So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, Well, was the pig a male or a female?

A female, of course, shouted Farmer Brown!. What do you think I am…some sort of queer?

The rabbi is speaking to his lower East Side congregation and he says, with Hashems help we shall walk but first, we must crawl. The congregation replies to the Rebbe with exclamations of ahmein Rabbi, im yirtze Hashem we shall crawl.

The rabbi then says, and soon, we will run but before we can run, with Hashems help, we must firts walk. Again, the pious members of the minyan all reply, im yirtze Hashem, we shall walk.

The rabbi then works himself into a rhetorical frenzy as he exclaims, and we shall reach the promised land. Hashem shall provide but first we must run. The ecstatic congregation gleefully shouts back ahmein rabbi, we shall run. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall run.

The rabbi concludes his sermon by stating, and we will reach that promised land if you dig deep into your hearts and checkbooks and make a generous pledge to the building fund!! The congregation then replies, crawl Rabbi, crawl. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall crawl.

how do u no if an asain family have broken into your house ?

ANSWER= your homework will be done ur computer will be uprgraded and they will still be driving out the driveway.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.

She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!

Yes? she responded.

Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.

No, not anymore, she answered.

Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Value!
Value who?
Value be my Valentine?