Old and New Jokes

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, If you marry my daughter, Ill make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.

The guy says, Whats wrong with her? The boss shows him a picture, and shes hideous.

The boss says, Its only fair to tell you, shes not only ugly, shes as dumb as a wall.

The guy says, I dont care what you offer me, it aint worth it.

The boss says, Ill give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and hes about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, Bring me a hammer.

She mumbles, Get the hammer. Get the hammer, and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, Get me some nails. She mumbles, Get the nails. Get the nails, and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, Fuck!

She mumbles, Get the bag. Get the bag.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFTS NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:





You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to



accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not



give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an



infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others



smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how



good it is.



If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.



Set the oven using these keystrokes:



mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat



Then enter:



ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.



If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press



start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.



If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the



ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of



the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The



oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to



your specification.



Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your



oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the



dinner from the oven and enter:



ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap



This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave



and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your



oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.



Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger



than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of



which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too



large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.



Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the



chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,



call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want



another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.



Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of



their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger



family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must



be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.



Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However,



that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get



thrilled in advance.



Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the



freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,



not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldnt handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.

Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to hisleft. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, How do you like the place?

Its okay, he said. But, they wont let me fart.

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely.

The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises like a truck. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM… SCREEEECH…..

What are you doing? inquires the doctor.

Im taking this road down to Barcelona, replies the ex-trucker.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.

On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

And what are you doing? asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

Well, pants the man, While hes in Barcelona, Im fucking his wife.

…and decided to see what Farmer Smith was making for breakfast. Papa mole stuck his nose out of the burrow and said, I smell sausages.Mama mole squeezed in beside Papa mole and sniffed the air and said, I smell pancakesBaby mole tried to get up to the surface but the other two moles were blocking the way.All I smell, he said sniffing the air, is molasses.

Dear Son,

Im writing this slow cause I know you cant read fast. We dont live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and havent seen em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didnt make the final payment on Grandmas funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I havent found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldnt get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you dont get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

The car was pulled over by a highway patrol woman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. What are those for? she asked suspiciously.

Im a juggler, the man replied. I use those in my act.

Well, show me, the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, My God. Ive got to give up drinking! Look at the test theyre giving now.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.

Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.

The Chief asks for the bad news first.

Scout says, No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.

Chief asks for the worse news.

Brave says, Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands.

Finally the chief asks for the good news.

The brave says, Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.