Old and New Jokes

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.

He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid Kevin. Right, he said, what about that blond one over there? Kevin, she said. Oh, and the tall one with the freckles? Kevin, she said.

Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap? Kevin, she said. Are all your boys called Kevin? he asked, isnt that terribly complicated?

Not at all, she said, it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, its time for bed!, they all go to bed.

I see. But what if you want only one of them?

No problem. she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.

The pharmacist replies thatll be 6 bucks plus tax

Tacks!? the guy says, In my country these things stay on by themselves!

A pirate comes walking into a dockside tavern. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a glass eye. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The curious young man sitting next to him asks the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day and a wave washed me overboard, then a shark came along and bit me leg off.

The young man then asks, Well then, how did you lose your hand?

To this the pirate answered, Many years ago, I was fighting the Brittish and one of the dastards cut me hand off! So I had to put this hook on me.

The young man then asked, How did you get the glass eye?

The pirate replies, I was standing on the deck of me boat, and a bird crapped in me eye.

The young man, now completely confused says, Thats it? No fantastic story? A bird crapped in your eye and you lost it?

The pirate says, Well, it was me first day with me hook…

Sometimes stays in bed till after 5 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full Marilyn Manson makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, Thou sucketh!

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by Jeb Daddy.

Defiantly says, If I had a radio, Id listen to alternative!.

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard aint listening.

Hes wearing his big black hat backwards.

What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?

Briefs!! ha!ha!

What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?

Skeet.

Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Llega Pepito con su mamá, que está embarazada, y le pregunta:

¿Mamá, qué es lo tienes en el estómago?

Un niño.

¿Y quien te lo dio?

Tu papá.

Pepito sale coriendo a ver a su papá y le dice:

Oye, papá, no le des niños a mi mamá, porque se los come.

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a pop. Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.

He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.



The genie said, Man, Im too old for this! You get one wish — not three — just one.



The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble.



The genie said, Do you know how many bridges that would be?! Cant you come up with something simpler?



The driver replied, How about if you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?



The genie shook his head vigorously and answered, How wide would you like those bridges?

Miss Canada 1996, Danielle House, got into a bar fight and was
charged with assault after allegedly causing bodily harm to another woman.
Says Jerry Perisho: The other day I went to a Canadian beauty pageant
and a hockey game broke out.