10) Cats facial expressions.9) The need for the same style of shoes indifferent colors.8) Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.7) “Fat” clothes.6) Taking a car trip without trying to beatyour best time.5) The difference between beige, off-whiteand eggshell.4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3) Eyelash curlers.2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale evermade.1) Other women.
01
Dec
01
Dec
A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him —-why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.
The man replies, Im getting my girl friend drunk!
30
Nov
Jaimito que vé a sus padres desnudos y les pregunta:
Papá, ¿que es eso?
Nada, hijo un peine.
Mamá, ¿y eso?
Nada hijo también un peine.
¡Pues el de papá es de mejor calidad porque tiene mango!
30
Nov
En esta época se habla mucho de la paz y de los procesos que muy posiblemente producirán resultados para alcanzarla. Por eso, ahora, es importante conocer el glosario de la paz.
La paloma: Es el pájaro de la paz.
La mujer: Es la paz del pájaro.
El soltero: No deja el pájaro en paz.
La soltera: Conoce el pájaro, pero no la paz.
La divorciada: Perdió la paz y el pájaro.
La casada: Tiene seguro el pájaro y la paz.
El viejo: Tiene el pájaro en paz.
La vieja: DeberÃa estar en paz pero siempre está pensando en el pájaro.
El maricón: Quiere la paz por delante y el pájaro por detrás.
30
Nov
Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.
Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE.
Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
30
Nov
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your
hole?
I?d like
to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like
a feed bag.
If it?s
true that we are what we eat, I could be you by
morning!
How do you like
your eggs: poached, scrambled, or
fertilized?
I was about to go masturbate
and I needed a name to go with
your face.
You are so fine that I?d eat
your shit just to see where it
came from.
My love for you is like diarrhea,
I just can?t hold it in.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.
Let?s go
fuck.
Is that a keg in your pants? ?Cause I would love to tap
that
ass!
If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?
You remind me of a championship
bass, I don?t know whether
to mount you or eat you!
Your parents must
be retarded, because you are special.
Could I touch your belly button…
from the inside?
I?m not too good at algebra, but doesn?t U+I = 69?
How
about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth
open, and I?ll give
you the meat.
30
Nov
How do you stop an [ethnic] from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
30
Nov
Eveybody can roast beef.
30
Nov
Work is for people who dont know how to fish
30
Nov
When I die I want to go peacefully — like my grandfather did — In his
sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.