Old and New Jokes

Original if somewhat warped humor from Trevor Keane

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making

Acura Integra – I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend – Im too bland for German cars
Acura NSX – I am impotent
Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette – I like seeing peoples reactions when I tell them I
have a Vette
Chevrolet Corvette – Im in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino – I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba – I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart – I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona – I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa – I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont – (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang – I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria – I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm – I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker – I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol – I have always said, half a convertible is better than
no convertible at all
Honda Civic – I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord – I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 – I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse – I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 – I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia – I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach – I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis – (See above)
Mercedes 500SL – I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL – I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata – I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB – I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante – I dont know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX – I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass – I just stole this car and Im going to make a fortune
off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel – I am on the EPAs Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM – I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo – I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 – I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 – (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy – I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than Isuzu
Toyota Camry – I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle – I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet – I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus – I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon – I am frightened of my wife

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first mans house and told the mans wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

Well,she said,he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. And it was done.

The General went and informed the second mans wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? She said, Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the mans husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the Generals question.What would you like to do with his body?

The gay man reesponded, Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didnt like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that Id wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptations removed Ill get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning Ill starve . . . til I take that first bite.

An old man who is hard of hearing goes to the doctor with his wife.

After a physical, the doctor says you seem to be healthy, Earl, but for a long life, I suggest you have 3 good meals a day, and sex with your wife every day.

The old man replied, What did the doctor say, Ethel?

Ethel replied, your gonna DIE, old man!

Un día llega Juanita, la prima de cinco años de Pepito, donde su papá y le pregunta:

Papi, papi, ¿que es pene?

El papá de Juanita se pone nervioso, pero le explica con enciclopedia y todo la anatomía y funciones del pene, al final le pregunta a la niña:

Juanita, ¿dónde escuchaste esa palabra?

La niña inocentemente le responde:

En la iglesia, el padre nos dijo que teníamos que orar mucho para que el alma no pene.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:



Blonde #1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!



Blonde #2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

Whats so funny? the bartender asked.

That stupid Dave! the fellow chortled, Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!