Old and New Jokes

Q. If theres H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?A. K9P

Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except Tied to the Whipping Post.

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air." Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Cant we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"? The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard. "My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?The boy writes the words on the blackboard. "Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?" The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve
to begin the process of populating the Earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered, Yes Lord, but what is a kiss? So the Lord gave a brief
description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable.

And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now Id like
you to caress Eve.

And Adam said, What is a caress? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was
even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said, Youve done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to
Eve.

And Adam asked, What is make love, Lord? So the Lord again gave Adam
directions, and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?

Dear
Redneck Son;
Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant
read fast.
We dont live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I wont be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they wouldnt have
to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. Im not sure it works so well though: last
week I put a load in and pulled the chain and havent
seen them since.
The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice
last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent
found out what it is yet so I dont know if your an
aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother….
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully
and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up
truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they

couldnt get the tailgate down.
There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing
much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.

Yo mommas so poor that, she cant afford to pay attention!

How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Un muchacho se va a otra ciudad a estudiar. Los primeros meses se la pasa de fiesta en fiesta, sin estudiar, y se gasta todo el dinero que sus padres le enviaron. Por falta de pago lo desalojan del departamento donde vivía e inmediatamente envía un telegrama a sus padres con el poco dinero restante:

Casi apruebo. Envíen dinero. Estoy en la calle.

Respuesta del padre:

Casi envío dinero. Cuidado con los automóviles.

Yo mama so fat she has more chins than the Chinese phone book!

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress, complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked whats wrong? Its a small, small world Joe, and youre fired

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com