Superman is flying through the sky on a bright sunny afternoon when all all of a sudden he spies Wonder Woman laying on the ground with her legs apart. He decides to fly down and do the dastardly deed with her, so he swoops down – buzz – buzz – buzz – and flies off.
Wonder Woman laying on the ground looks bewildered and dissheveled. She comments, What was that???
And the Invisible Man says, I dont know but my butt hurts!!!
Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, I have a complaint!
Yes, sir?
I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!
What was wrong with it?
It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!
The librarian nodded and said, Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.
Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances….
President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think its ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
And to do my part, Im buying stickers for all women who participate.
Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!
Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!
Una niña se dirige a su madre:
Mamá, ¿cuántos tipos de hombres hay?.
Sorprendida, la mujer le responde:
Mira hija, los hombres durante su vida pasan por tres fases:
Antes de los 29 son como el arbusto del jardÃn: duros y bien dispuestos.
Hasta los 49 son como el roble: fuertes y confiables.
Y a partir de los 50 son como los arbolitos de Navidad: con las bolitas de adorno.
Youve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
If youre not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
One day Jim complained to his friend, My elbow really
hurts, I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered. Dont do that.
Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you
can do about it. It only cost $10.
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arms in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again
made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They arent yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you dont stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.
A man goes out and buys the best car available in
the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the
best and most expensive car in the world, and it
runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and,
while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years
old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface
of the car and asks What kind of car ya got
there, sonny?.
The dude replies A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost
$500,000.
Thats a lotta money! says the old man, shocked.
Why does it cost so much?
Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!
states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks Can I take a look inside?
Sure replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says
Thats a pretty nice car, alright!
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to
show the old man what his car can do. He floors it,
and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him,
going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders
What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo
BeepBeeP? Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming
toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost
looked like the old man on the moped! It couldnt be
thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo
BeepBeep?
Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into
the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man!
Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting
for certain. The guy runs up to the old man
and asks Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can
do for you?
The old man replies Yeah. Unhook my suspenders
from the side-view mirror on your car!
Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter:
A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.
Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl:
What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney uh-lo-nee:
Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette urn-a-det:
The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize ur-gler-ize:
What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse e-klips:
What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i-drop-ur:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee-rhos:
What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left bangk:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis-tee:
How golfers create divots.
Paradox par-uh-doks:
Two physicians.
Parasites par-uh-sites:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm-uh-sist:
A helper on the farm.
Polarize po-lur-ize:
What penguins see with.