Old and New Jokes

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and its
well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasnt come
by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While Hes there,
an old man comes up to the gates.

Welcome to heaven says Jesus, tell me a bit about yourself.

Well, says the old man, when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a
son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he
left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him…
Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

Father? he asked.

The old man stared back. Pinnochio?

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

Easy, she replied. He only has one eye.

The chief was stunned. He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it! He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

He only has one ear, was her answer.

What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side! He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, Hes wearing contact lenses.

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldnt tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!

Well, she said, he cant wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?

Joke – How to uninstall AOL.

Follow these steps precisely, and proceed to the next step only after discovering that AOL is still installed.

1. Uninstall AOL through AOLs built-in uninstaller.
2. Uninstall AOL through Add/Remove Programs.
3. Do a System Restore to a date before you had AOL installed.
4. Give up and reinstall Windows.
5. Reinstall Windows again because it crashed halfway through.
6. Scream wildly. Swearing is appropriate in this instance.
7. Format the drive completely.
8. Reinstall Windows from scratch, and find a perfectly clean desktop with nothing except the My Computer, Recycle Bin and AOL icons on your desktop.
9. Turn off computer, and physically remove hard drive. Run a large magnet over hard drive, then run it over with a 20-ton steamroller, then take hard rive to nearest data recovery company, where theyll politely tell you that they were unable to recover the spreadsheet that you needed for work on Thursday, but that theres no need to panic, because amazingly AOL 8.3 (the Melty version) is still installed on the drive.
10. Weep like a little girl. Then go to your nearest hardware store and buy an axe. Upon returning to the parking lot with the axe, take the hard drive out of your trunk and commence hacking.
11. Take all the little pieces home, and toss them in a bonfire. This, of course, will not work, for as we all know from watching various B-movies, items with demonic auras dont burn.
12. Douse fire with water. Douse hard drive with Holy Water.
13. When all else fails, convert to the Amish beliefs. They never seem to have this sort of problem for some reason.

(The preceding has been a JakesJokes.com original.)

Any project will require at least two trips to the hardware store.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong color is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint
You never have enough nails, screws, glue, or other fasteners
The probability that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project. (see Law #6)

Corollary: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to fix the broken pipe.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. A one hour task will take two days to complete.

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "whats the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "Whats the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

10. Hey! Now theres a gift!

9. Well, well, well…

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that wouldve fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, Ill be furious!

4. I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really dont deserve this.

Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumps – People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Lets stay home and watch TV.

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover,

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big n Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – Zzzzzz

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak – Who, me?

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love like crazed weasels, OK?

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous. I dont know how,

Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumps

Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a Barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appe

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face.

We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called The Knob.

What is the knob, doctor? she asked.

It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles and skin which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again.

Oh, yes! that is what I would like to have, she replied excitedly.

The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger. As time passed, when she would notice a new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and voila! Her face was again beautiful!

One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called doctor and reported the bags.

You better get right over and let me check this out! the doctor replied.

After examining her, he said, The bags under your eyes are your breasts.

Well, she said. I guess that explains the goatee.