Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the dead blonde terrorists?

They died faxing a letter bomb.

I hope you enjoy this Humor list as much as I do. Of course I once was a blonde. Sara

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

Say, honey-baby … Id really like tget into those pants oyours.

Thanks, she shot back, but Ive already got an asshole in there.

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard nights dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, Any chance of na nookie?
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, Awaity f*** ya bam.

Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, Here we go, here we go, here we go. Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the mans Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the mans self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, Ya useless bastard, or possibly, It never happens tae ra milkman.

Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. Go on yersel, she says, list dinnae disturb me.

Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, F*** me, Ive shot ma load.
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her shes the nicest woman hes ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, Shite, arsehole.
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, Are you sure its in?
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsmans ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.
Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
Theres no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Un hombre fue llevado de emergencia a un hospital administrado por monjas, donde lo operaron del corazón. Después de la operación, el hombre despertó y una monjita estaba a su lado.

Señor Pérez, la operación fue un éxito. Sin embargo, necesitamos saber cómo piensa pagar la cuenta del hospital. ¿Tiene usted seguro de gastos médicos?

No.

¿Puede pagar en efectivo?

Me temo que no, hermana.

Entonces, ¿tiene usted parientes cercanos?

Sólo mi hermana, pero es una monja solterona sin un centavo.

Disculpe que lo corrija. Las monjas no son solteronas; ellas están casadas con Dios.

¡Magnífico! Por favor envíe la cuenta a mi cuñado.

Un tipo entra a un bar del centro y revisa la lista de precios:

Sándwich de queso:………………………..$16.00

Sándwich de pollo:………………………….$18.00

Sándwich de jamón:………………………..$18.00

Masturbación:…………………………………$500.00

Revisa entonces su billetera, retira el dinero y se acerca a la barra. Le atiende una de las tres bellas chicas que están sirviendo tragos a un grupo de hombres en la barra.

¿Sí?, pregunta ella con una sensual sonrisa, ¿puedo servirle en algo?

¿Tú realizas las masturbaciones?

Si, soy yo, responde ella con una voz baja y extremadamente sexy.

Entonces lávate muy bien las manos y sírveme un sándwich de queso.

1. El helicóptero con asiento eyector.

2. La linterna con batería solar.

3. Un teléfono para ciegos que en vez de timbre tiene una luz.

4. Las cerillas a prueba de fuego.

5. Las bolsas de té impermeables.

6. Paracaídas con apertura por impacto.

7. Las puertas corredizas para submarinos.

8. La diana inflable para dardos.

9. Sillas de ruedas con pedales de acelerador y freno para parapléjicos, para que tengan las manos libres.

10. Ventilador accionado por viento.

11. Recargador de baterías que funciona con baterías.

12. Aire acondicionado enfriado con el ambiente.

13. Refrigeradora para esquimales.

15. Baños de vapor para el desierto.

15. Un secador de pelo a prueba de agua, ahorre tiempo úselo mientras se baña.

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Dont read any further unless you are sitting down …



OK?



Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.



Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We havent set the exact date yet, but Im sure it will be before I start to show.



Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you wont mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.



His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.



I guess thats it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know … There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.



However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.



Your loving daughter,



Chelsea



P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and Socks, too!



P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

An Irishman, a Mexican-American, and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch Im going to jump off this building.



The Mexican-American opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time Im going to jump off, too.



The blond guy opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time Im jumping too.



Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The Mexican-American opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and he jumps too. The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death also.



At the funeral the Irishmans wife is weeping. She says, If Id known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!



The Mexican-Americans wife also weeps and says, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas or even a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich! I didnt realize he hated burritos so much.



Everyone turns and stares at the blonds wife. Hey, dont look at me, she says. He makes his own lunch.

If a Dog were your teacher, you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.



Never pass up the opportunity to go for a car ride.



Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.



As you enjoy the wind in your face, do not restrict your capacity to drool.



When its in your best interest — practice obedience.



Let others know when theyve invaded your territory.



Take naps and stretch before rising.



Run, romp, and play daily, if not by the minute.



Thrive on attention and let people touch you.



Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.



On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the cool grass.



On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree.



When you take a drink of water, find a human to drip the extra on.



When youre happy, dance around and wag your entire body.



No matter how often or severely youre scolded, dont buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.



Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.



Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Dont stop when youve had enough.



Be loyal.



Tolerate cats — humans love that.



If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it, where ever that leads you.



When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.