Old and New Jokes

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Your bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Appearing on Dennis Millers show, Red Buttons announced he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not old. He explained:

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre barefooted.
Old is when your Doctor doesnt give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.
Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
Old is when your wife says lets go upstairs and make Love and you answer Honey, I cant do both

And he adds…

Sure Ive gotten old. Ive had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. Im half blind, cant hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, cant remember if Im 85 or 92, but … THANK GOD, I STILL HAVE MY FLORIDA DRIVERS LICENSE.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, chickens.

Chickens, eh? says one guy. Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?

Heck, says the guy with the bag, iffin you guess right, Ill give you both of em.

The other scratches his head and guesses, Um… five?

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. I cant believe it! Ive got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I dont even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isnt even back yet! What am I going to do?

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass …

One morning Hitler walked into the Concentration camp and said. Jews, today we are going to play waterpolo. You jews wear the white shirts and the crocodiles would wear nothing. If there would be any injuries during the game all jews are advised to wash themself in the pirrana infested pond before a medic would treat your injuries.

Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.

The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasnt there some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

What are you doing! she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

Im blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car explained the first blonde.

Well silly, its not going to work replied her neighbor.

Why not? asked the first blonde.

Because youve got to roll up the windows first

Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and… Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.

I was at the playground and I saw Daddys car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy

At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddys face when you tell it tonight.

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and … then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.