A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.
Un tipo se queda sin trabajo. Desesperado, va con un amigo suyo, dueño de un supermercado, y le pide que le dé un trabajo.
El amigo le dice que sólo le puede ofrecer un puesto como vendedor, pero le advierte que a él le gusta que sus clientes sean muy bien atendidos y que se les convenza de comprar algo más antes de abandonar la tienda.
Como ejemplo, le pide que observe su propio comportamiento con una señora que acababa de entrar:
¿Qué se le ofrece, señora?
Quisiera un limpiavidrios.
Cómo no, aquà lo tiene, señora… ¿y por qué no aprovecha y se lleva un lustramuebles, también?
¿Y yo para qué quiero un lustramuebles?
Bueno, porque si limpia solamente los vidrios, los muebles se van a ver sucios; pero si los lustra, toda la casa se verá reluciente.
¡Tiene toda la razón, muchas gracias por su consejo!
Se va la clienta muy contenta, y el dueño del supermercado le dice a su amigo que atienda a la joven que acaba de entrar, para ver si habÃa aprendido la técnica de atender a los clientes de acuerdo como a él le gustaba.
Buenas tardes, ¿qué se le ofrece, señorita?
Quiero un paquete de Tampax.
Cómo no, aquà lo tiene, señorita y ¿por qué no aprovecha y se lleva un limpiavidrios y un lustramuebles?
¡Pero qué ridiculez! ¿Y para qué quiero yo lustramuebles y limpiavidrios?
Bueno, es que como se va a pasar una semana sin culiar… ¡por lo menos aprovecha y limpia bien la casa!
Un chofer presentaba todos los dÃas a su patrón la cuenta de gastos del coche. Debajo de los rubros gasolina, aceite, composturas, etc., invariablemente anotaba una misteriosa partida que decÃa: P.S.P. 20 pesos. El jefe nunca leÃa la cuenta con detalle, limitándose a pagar el total. Sin embargo, un buen dÃa se fijó y reclama:
Feliciano, ¿qué significa P.S.P. 20 pesos?
Eso, señor, significa Por si pasa, pero creo que hasta ayer pasó…
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak.
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …!
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it chili if its hot?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Colleen!
Colleen who?
Colleen up this mess!
How do chinese people name their kids?
Throw a fork at the wall and name their kid after the sound.
How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
A man visits his doctor. I think I have a problem, doc, said the patient. One of my testicles has turned blue.
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didnt have his testicle removed.
Are you crazy?! exclaimed the patient, How could I let you do such a thing to me?
Do you want to die?, asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.
Doc, I dont know how to say this, but the other testicle has turned blue too.
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
Hey, do you want to die?, asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course he did not want to hear about it.
You really want to die?, asked the doctor.
But … how do I pee?
Well install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctors office. He is very angry.
Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue.
What?
Can you tell me what a hell is happening?
So, the doctor examined the patient, VERY carefully this time, and says, Hmmmm, I think it might be the jeans …
Heard April 10 on the Rush Limbaugh show:
God decided He was finally fed up with the human race and decided to end
it for good. He called up a reporter at the New York Times to tell him
the news: The world would end the day after tomorrow.
The reporter tried to talk God out of it, but God was firm and wouldnt
be swayed. The reporter then asked if he had an exclusive. God said that
He was going to call three other newspapers.
Headlines the next day:
The New York Times:
God says world to end tomorrow; story and analysis on page B11.
The Wall Street Journal:
God says world to end tomorrow; market to close early
USA Today:
ITS OVER!
The Washington Post:
God says world to end tomorrow; women and minorities hardest hit.