Old and New Jokes

Confucious say, Its better to be pissed off than to be pissed on!

A
broke blonde decides to ask God for help. Dear Lord, she
prays, if I dont get some cash, Im gonna lose
everything. Please let me win the lottery.

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesnt win. She prays even harder, saying, God,
why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this
once.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

Sweetheart, work with me on this, he says. Buy a ticket.

While attending confession, the first of three roommates admitted to the priest that she had let a man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them with holy water.

The second roomie confessed that she had touched a mans sexual organ. The priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.

The two girls were busy washing at the holy water when their friend joined them. Move over, girls, she said I have to gargle.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 hes going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast : He jumped!)

Blonde: OK. I lost. Heres my $20 to you.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I cant take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 p.m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasnt really a good bet.

Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didnt think hed be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howie!
Howie who!
Im fine, how are you!

Why doesnt Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? Socialism

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isnt too easy.

I hope you didnt take it personally, Reverend, an embarassed woman said after a church service, when my husband walked out during your sermon.

I did find it rather disconcerting, the preacher replied.

Its not a reflection on you, sir, insisted the church goer. Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.

Excuse me, sir he asked the old gentleman, where did you get all this money?

Vell, Ill tell you, the old man began, for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say Give me a dollar for Israel or Ill cut off your testicles vit my knife.

Thats quite a story, the customs agent said, whats in the second suitcase?

Vell, you know, said the old man, shaking his head, not everyone likes to give…

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?



She yells, No, I wont sleep with you tonight!



Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.



After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.



To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200!?