Old and New Jokes

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though…

Its Hawaii Im telling you! she said.

Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii is how its pronounced! he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation…

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, Now that were on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this Hawaii or Havaii?

This is Havaii, the man replied.

Ha! the husband said, turning to his wife, See, didnt I tell you never to argue with me? Im alllll-ways right! As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty Thank you!

Youre Velcome!!!

Q – Why do elephants travel in herds?

A – Because is they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.

Q – What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill?

A – Look, here comes the elephants!

Q – What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill wearing sun glasses?

A – Nothing – she didnt recognize them.

Q – How can you tell if there is an elephant in bed with you?

A – By the giant E on its pyjamas.

Q – How can you tell if an elephant has crawled under the bed during the night?

A – You are currently having an intimate relationship with the ceiling.

Q – How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?

A – If all your trashcan liners are missing.

Q – Why does an elephant have four feet?

A – Because 8 inches isnt enough!

Q – Where do elephants have their sex organs?

A – In their feet – If an elephant steps on you, youre fucked!

Q – Why did the Elephant cross the road?

A – Because it was handcuffed to the chicken.

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

— FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger.

For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone, Stroke! Stroke!

So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that she began pacing back forth on the pavement, throwing gravel and dirt at them from her place on the road, and she screamed at the top of her lungs, You two are so stupid, and if I could swim, Id come out there and kick both your behinds!!

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, Id like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Martha would say, I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, Martha, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied, Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal, Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars. Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt.
Stumpy replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window.
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination promptly.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit positive its the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks hes right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
finally rolls down window.
hocks a loogie.
pulls up to a 7-11.
gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
farts.
after he closes the door.
laughs at looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
almost hits a deer.
curses the night.
curses you.
curses the large slurpee.
stops by the side of the road.
takes a leak.
still taking a leak.
almost done.
I think.
returns to car.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
yells at you for suggesting the map again.
admits he didnt want to do Thanksgiving at your sisters.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldnt find a dictionary.
finally found a dictionary.
Couldnt spell pernicious.
seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside…
And of course youre still lost.

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40years by his bedside. "Jack, Ive got to confess. Ive been sleeping with your wifefor 30 years and Im the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, Ive beenstealing from the firm for a decade.""Relax," says Jack, "anddont think another thing about it. Im the one who put arsenic in your martini."

Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various toys can be heard.

For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are stuck and you have no idea why.

For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We dont want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, – but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15 screen.

If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things – hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). Thats it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your coke in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and cant keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she wont take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, I have to let my dog out.

Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)

If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realise that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and youd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

Papá llega en viaje de negocios y en casa le esperan expectantes sus dos hijos: Juanito y Pepito.

¡Qué nos trajistes papito! gritan los niños.

El papá empieza a abrir las maletas y a sacar los regalos:

Para Juanito: este lindo Nintendo… Para Juanito: este lindo traje de astronauta… Para Juanito: este lindo computador…

Y así, el papá saca y saca regalos para Juanito.

Al final, saca un autito Mach-box:

Y para Pepito, este lindo autito Mach-box.

Finalmente, el papá se retira y ambos niños se quedan jugando en el dormitorio. Juanito toma todos sus regalos y empieza a jugar con ellos mientras observa como Pepito en un rincón juega con su único autito.

A Juanito, como a todo niño, le molesta la falta de envidia de su hermano y empieza a cantar:

Yo tengo un Nintendo… Y tengo un traje de astronauta… Y tengo un lindo computador…

Mientras tanto, Pepito, mueve con la mano su autito mientras canta calladito:

Y yo no tengo cáncer… y yo no tengo cáncer…

Two teenage boys from West Virginia were talking.
First one says I had my first sex last night!
What was it like? The second one asked.
Quite good, but her mum walked in on us.
Oh, no! What did she say?
Moo