Old and New Jokes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

A lady goes for her first golf lesson.

The pro says, Youve got to hold the club like you hold your husbands organ.



She takes the club and hits the ball.



He says, Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and well go for distance.

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, I didnt know I had one of THOSE!



2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.



3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.



4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthers evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.



5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.



6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.



7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.



8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them not to do it and ask them not to give in to sin. Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.



9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didnt know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.



10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage ditch. Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.



11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting Redrum! Redrum! in your best groggy voice.



12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan Ohhhh, um, uh-oh, and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain ditch for all to see.



13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.



14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.



15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage ditch, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.



16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of Old McDonald Had A Farm, making the sound of the animal in their stall.



17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they dont tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.



18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds — including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.



19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.



20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.



21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim Ohmigosh…do you know what these words REALLY mean?



22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.



23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.



24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.



25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT…).



26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.



27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.



28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.



29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an Mmmm! sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.



30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.



31. Hang Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.



32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.



33. Stare at peoples feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.



34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout Im coming for you, Moby! Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.



35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN theyll pay

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, Old MacDonald had a ________.

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question?

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.

Oh yeah, said Bubba. I remember now.

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys shoulder again, he whispered, Tiny, how do you spell farm?

You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because thats the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and well find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

I walked into a bar today and see a sign hanging over the bar which reads:CHEESEBURGER: $1.50CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50HANDJOB $10.00Checking my wallet for the necessary payment, I walked up to the bar
and beckoned to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to a meager looking group of men.Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?
I was wondering, are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?Yes, she purred, I am.
so I said : Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon Generals office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.

Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.

2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.

3. Never moon a werewolf.

5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, I want the name of your accomplice!

6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.

7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.

8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.

9. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.

10. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.

11. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.

12. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.

13. Never walk your dog around someone elses living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.

14. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, Let me know if your bath is too hot.

15. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesnt leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.

16. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

Q: What is every blondes ambition? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Heard in an East German department store:

Customer: Dont you have any shoes here?

Salesman: No, we dont have any furniture, here.
No shoes is one floor down.