Old and New Jokes

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

No, said the Indian.

It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.

Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read..

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN

Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca, preocupado por ésta, le pregunta:

Querida Rebeca, ¿tienes algún pretendiente?

Sí papá, ¡tengo tres!

El padre decide someter a prueba a cada uno de ellos: Abraham, Isaac y Samuel.

Don Jacobo le entrega a Abraham un huevo; a Isaac una naranja y a Samuel un chorizo, y les dice que a la semana deben volver y contarle que hizo cada uno con lo que se llevó.

A la semana llega Abraham y Don Jacobo le pregunta:

¿Qué hizo con el huevo, Abraham?

Bueno… al huevo le rompí la cáscara, la tiré a la basura, me preparé un huevo frito y me lo comí.

¡No, mal, mal! Usted desperdició la cáscara de huevo que picadita, picadita, es comida para pájaros. No merece casarse con Rebeca. ¡Váyase!

Luego llega Isaac y le dice a Don Jacobo:

Bueno… yo pelé la naranja, me la comí y tiré la cáscara y las semillas.

El padre de Rebeca enfurecido le dice: ¡No, no y no! ¡Mal, muy mal! La cáscara de naranja es alimento de gallinas. Las semillas se plantan y así algún día podrá tener naranjas. Tú tampoco mereces la mano de Rebeca. ¡Vete!

Finalmente llega Samuel y Don Jacobo, ya indignado, le pregunta: Bueno… y tú, Samuel, ¿qué hiciste con el chorizo?

Bueno, Don Jacobo… yo al chorizo le saqué el hilo y me cosí un botón de la camisa; después lo pelé y me comí lo de adentro; con el cuerito me hice un condón y me tiré a su hija, y aquí tiene la leche para el gatito.

Una hermosa noche de diciembre, en una de las bellas playas de Puerto Rico, estaba una pareja de novios, muy acaramelados, mirando el mar cuando, en eso, él le dice a ella:

Chica, déjame tocarte el wiwichu.

¡Estás loco, mi negro! ¿Cómo crees?

Anda, chica, qué no ves que es el tiempo perfecto. ¡Déjame tocarte el wiwichu!

¡No, no te lo permitiré!

Anda, chica, es ahora o nunca, deja que te toque el wiwichu…

Bueno, mi amor, tócalo porque te quiero mucho.

Entonces el muchacho agarra su guitarra y prosigue:

¡Wiwichu a merry Christmas, wiwichu a merry Christmas, wiwichu a merry Christmas and a japy niu yir!

4th RunnerUp

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skaters rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.



3rd RunnerUp



Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.



2nd RunnerUp



The Why Yawning Is Contagious Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other peoples ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.



1st RunnerUp



If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.



HONORABLE MENTION:



The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah, the lost rs migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh his car and invest in erl wells.



THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:



When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A buttered-cat array could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and giant buttered-cat arrays could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!”

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.

The workbench is always untidier than last time.

Masterbating is like cheating. Its fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself!!!

Doctor: “I’m sorry to say that the check you gave me has bounced back.”

Banta: “It is right doctor, so has my fever.”

A You shine a flashlight in her ear.