For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.
Venanzio and Lorenzo were sitting on a bench in a New York park.
Hey, said Venanzio, do you likea biga fat woman with a longa straggley hair?
No, Ima no likea dat replied Lorenzo.
Den, you likea da woman with a garlic comin from her mouth alla da time? inquired Venanzio.
Nope, Ima no like dat kinda either! said Lorenzo.
You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no? asks Venanzio.
Notta me! answered Lorenzo.
Den whya you keepa screwin my wife? Venanzio asked.
Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if theyll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while hes at the bank getting the money.
But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.
The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. Shove them up you ass, orders the farmer.
The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done.
Youre free to go, the farmer says to him, but do you mind if I ask whats so damn funny?
Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, The third guys still out there, picking Watermelons.
So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. Ones got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other ones just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, howd ya get that wooden leg mate?.
The first reply’s arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark.
The second pirate is of course impressed, aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen. Howd ya get dat metal hook?
The first reply’s lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!.
Aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen says the second pirate, again impressed.
Howd ya get dat patch on your eye?.
Well I was up in the crows nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull says the pirates pirate, and the damn ting shit right in me eye. In disbelief the second pirate says
Well, howd dat make ya blind?
The first pirate replied: Arr…first day wit me ook.
Southern Bumper Stickers…
=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. => I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. => Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. => I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. => WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. => Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to me. => BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore. => I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. => So youre a feminist…Isnt that cute! => Im just driving this way to piss you off. => Keep honking, Im reloading. => As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. => I took an IQ test and the results were negative. => Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. => Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. *Im* going to set the garage on fire.
It is with the saddest heart i pass on the following:Please join me in remembering a great icon – the veteran Pillbury spokesman. The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess twinkies,
and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on halfbaked schemes. Despite being being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millons.
Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboyis surved by his wife, Play Dough; two chidren,
John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty.
Did you hear that the library at Georgia State burned down? It was terrible, both books burned and they werent even colored in!
A: Because its too far to walk.
Money cant buy you happiness, but it can take you a long way
from misery.