Old and New Jokes

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak…woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

Thats amazing exclaimed the father.

You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?

No, said the old tribesman. They just ran over me five minutes ago!

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?

Yeah, sure thing, replied his friend, fire away.

Well, said the first guy, why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?

Its probably because of her speech impediment, replied the second guy.

What do you mean her speech impediment?

inquired the first fellow.

My wife doesnt have a speech impediment!

Well, replied his friend, you must be the only guy who hasnt noticed that she cant say NO!!

Una pareja, que cumplía su cincuenta aniversario de bodas, estaba sentada en la mesa para desayunar. El marido se dirige a su mujer:

Fíjate, cariño, llevamos casados 50 años.

Sí, hace 50 años estábamos en esta misma mesa desayunando juntos.

Lo sé. Hace 50 años, seguramente estábamos aquí sentados, desnudos, como una pareja de jóvenes jilgueros.

Bueno, ¿qué hacemos cielo, nos desnudamos?

La pareja de ancianos se desnuda y se sienta a la mesa.

Sabes, cariño, la viejecita le dice casi sin aliento, mis pezones están iguales de calientes hoy, por ti, que hace 50 años.

¡No me sorprende, uno lo tienes en el café y el otro está dentro del chocolate con churros.

Q: What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?

A: A robber snatches watches.

They reckon it was the cigarettes that killed him, but hes been smoking
for 68 years I dont see why it would kill him now!

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl
alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if
anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
Youre showing us that if you drink alcohol, you wont have worms.

Yeah, Doc, whats the news? answered Fred when his doctor called with his test rewults.

I have some bad news and some really bad news, admitted the doctor. The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live.

Oh my God, gasped Fred, sinking to his knees.

What could be worse news than that?

I couldnt get ahold of you yesterday.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says, I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, he says, Vive la France! and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, a pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,

God save the queen! and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, gimme a fork.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.

He asks, My God almighty, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker replies, So much for your canoe!

This conversation between John Ritter and James Belushi occurred in the movie Real Men:

Ritter: I didnt know you smoked.

Belushi: Only after sex.

Ritter: Oh. Thats not much.

Belushi: Nah, just a pack a day.

Ritter: Thatll kill you!

Belushi: No. But it makes me pretty sore.