Old and New Jokes

If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl, Alt, Delete and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on run! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit any key to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

Help with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldnt be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on SEND NOW and a Pizza would be on its way to you.

You dont know?

So youre the one!

What does a three-pin plug have in common with the England football (soccer) team?Theyre both completely useless in Europe!

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and heres how…An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.As smart as bait.Chimneys clogged.Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.Doesnt know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.Forgot to pay his brain bill.Her sewing machines out of thread.His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.His belt doesnt go through all the loops.If he had another brain, it would be lonely.Missing a few buttons on his remote control.No grain in the silo.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.Receiver is off the hook.He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.Several nuts short of a full pouch.Skylight leaks a little.Slinkys kinked.Surfing in Nebraska.Too much yardage between the goal posts.A few clowns short of a circus.A few fries short of a Happy Meal.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.A few beers short of a six-pack.Dumber than a box of hair.A few peas short of a casserole.Doesnt have all his corn flakes in one box.The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.One taco short of a combination plate.A few feathers short of a whole duck.All foam, no beer.The cheese slid off his cracker.Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.Couldnt pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.The lights are on, but nobodys home.24 cents short of a quarter.A few bricks shy of a full load.

Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred – One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.



Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.



Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

One day 2 leprochans were having an arguement. so they they went to a convent and they rang the doorbell. wen the nun came out one of the leprochans asked her sister, are there any nuns my size here? she replied no little leprochan, there are no nuns here your size he then said oh….well, are there any nuns any where in the world my size? she then repleis no little leprochan, there arent any nuns in the world your size he then thanked her ans she shut the door. the other leprochan started to crack up laughing and said haha u stupid bastard, i told u that u fucked a penguin!.

The gender of computers



An inquisitive researcher, who enjoyed sailing, was aware that ships are addressed as she and her. He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed.. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.



Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.



The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:



1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:



1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Paddy and mick go into the woods to go hunting.during the night paddy wakes up and spots sonething in the distance he wakes up mick and says Look mick.

when mick looks over a mans head is hanging out of a crocodiles mouth then paddy says that bastards got a lacoste sleeping bag.

One day a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven. There he met the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat, You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable please let me know. The cat thought for a moment and said, Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. The Lord stopped the cat and said, Say no more and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident and went to heaven. Again there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, Lord, all of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we dont have to run anymore? Instantly the Lord fitted each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke the cat and asked, How are things for you since coming to heaven? The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, Lord, it is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. Especially those meals on wheels youve been sending by — they are the best!!!