Old and New Jokes

TEACHER :I hope I didnt see you looking at Dons paper.

GARY: I hope you didnt either.

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel makes your list of Most Admired People.
6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
8. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,Hey, yall watch this
9. Youve got more than one brother named Darryl.
10. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
11. Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
13. Your Junior/Senior Prom had Daycare.
14. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines.
15. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
16. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
17. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
18. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
19. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
20. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
21. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
22. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
23. Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.
24. You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school.
25. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
26. Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.
27. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

1. Sus deseos de amar aumentarán a medida que los de su cónyuge disminuyan. Pero para cuando el deseo de su cónyuge haya aumentado considerablemente, usted ya se habrá masturbado.

2. Si su conyuge goza demasiado es porque está fingiendo.

3. Si hace mucho tiempo que sus amigos y/o parientes no lo visitan, póngase a hacer el amor. Medio minuto antes del climax aparecerán todos ellos.

4. La cama de su dormitorio hará más ruido el día que la casa esté en absoluto silencio y llena de gente atenta a sus movimientos.

5. ¿Cómo hacer el amor con su esposa, que siempre pone excusas? Llegue agotado del trabajo y ese día ella tendra muchísimas ganas.

6. En el momento de mayor desenfreno alguien tocará el timbre con insistencia, o sonará el despertador, o llamarán por teléfono, o por el portero eléctrico, o todo junto.

7. Siempre habrá otro que ya le hizo antes a su pareja lo que usted pretende sea una novedad. Y, con seguridad, se lo habrá hecho mejor.

8. Su mujer siempre le reprocha a usted el quedarse dormido después del amor, ignorando que ese hecho es parte de la naturaleza del hombre. Pero cuando usted se esfuerce y permanezca despierto, acariciándola, mimándola e inclusive preparándose para el segundo, ese día ella se dormirá.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Millers president orders a Millers.The president of Coors orders a Coors.When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didnt you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys arent having a beer neither will I.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 50 years!

The doctors reply was, Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time. The Pope exclaimed But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isnt going away!

The doctor replied You have two options… either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.

The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?

Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, Ill lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peters, with the offending camera around his neck.

Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

Very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, says the man, how much you pay for it?

Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie, he replies, I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.

Ah, says the Japanese gentleman, look like someone saw you coming!

Two flies were strolling along the ceiling of an apartment.

You know, remarked the first little fly, human beings are so silly!

People are silly? replied the second fly. How do you figure that?

The first fly shrugged his wings. Just take a look, he said, They spend good money building a nice high ceiling, and then they walk on the floor.

From: Herbert V. Prochnows The Speakers Treasury of Stories for all Occasions

A: She drowns it.

You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.