Old and New Jokes

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.

Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, Nope, I dont think Id like that kind of punishment. So they go on to the next room.

There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, hes lowered again. uh-uh! says Clinton. Thats not for me.

Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says OK, if I have to be punished forever, Ill go for that way.

Satan says, Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!

Va uno borracho por la autopista y le para un hombre vestido de azul, haciendo gestos.

Soy el maricón de la capa azul, dame la cartera y la cadena de oro o te peto el culo.

Y el borracho le da todo el dinero y sus joyas; y continua su camino maldiciendo cagón la madre que lo parió, el mariconaso este de mierda…

A esto que uno vestido de rojo se le planta delante haciendo gestos, y este para…

Soy el maricón de la capa roja, dame el radiocassette, y los altavoces o te follo el culo.

Le da el loro y los altavoces, y se marcha será hijoputa el maricón de la capa roja, que me ha dejao sin música…

Haciendo eses llega donde hay uno vestido totalmente de verde. El borracho ya indignado para y le dice:

Bueno, qué, el maricón de la capa verde… ¿qué cojones quieres tú?

Guardia Civil, salga del coche con los papeles en la boca.

Did you hear why the Republicans moved out of the out-house?

The democrats downstairs were making too much noise.

December 14th

Dearest John:



I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.



With dearest love and affection, Agnes



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December 15th



Dearest John:



Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.



All my love, Agnes



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December 16th



Dear John:



Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.



Love Agnes



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December 17th



Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.



Affectionately, Agnes



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December 18th



Dearest John:



What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.



All my love, Agnes



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December 19th



Dear John:



When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!



Cordially, Agnes



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December 20th



John:



Whats with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? Theres bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.



Sincerely, Agnes



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December 21st



OK Buster:



I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.



Ag



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December 22nd



Hey Shithead:



What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.



From Ag



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December 23rd



You Rotten Prick:



Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sic-ing the police on you.



One who means it, Ag



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December 24th



Listen Fuckhead:



Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.



Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister



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December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)



Dear Sir:



This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day.

Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.

He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. says the little boy.

Sonny, I think youre a little young for that. replies the madam.

The little boy places a $100 bill in the madams hand.

One lady coming up. says the madam.

And I want her to have herpes, says the little boy.

Why on earth would you want that? asked the madam, and anyway, I dont have any women like that. All my girls are clean.

The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.

One dirty girl, coming up, she says.

The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?

The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, Its like this lady… When I get home the babysitters going to be there and Im gonna fuck her and SHES going to get the herpes.

Then when my mom and dad come home, my dads going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HES going to get the herpes.

Then when my dad gets home, hes going to fuck my mom and SHES going to get the herpes.

Then about 10 oclock tomorrow morning, the mailmans going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HES THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. In English, he said, A double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. Hey, he says, Whats with the steering wheel down your pants? Ach, says the Irish man, its drivin me nuts!