Old and New Jokes

In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsofts dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsofts major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.

The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. [Digital Researchs] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldnt even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell. Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system.

Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldnt even interoperate well with NetWare! All development on Digital Researchs product was subsequently halted in September 1994.

Frankenberg also explained their second target. When it became obvious that Windows NT wouldnt be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it. The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novells pushing of the UnixWare abomination and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes. Once the damage was complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation] last month.

The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsofts competition in the Windows application market. Under the guise of creating a rival suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro, Gates explained. With our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs were introduced in the release cycle. [Microsoft] Excel wasnt half the spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us now! Novells intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on October 30. Were done, said Frankenberg.

When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, We expect IBM to do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done.

Many industry insiders were taken by surprise. It explains a lot, said Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund. We never could figure out what the hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold. Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.

So Johnnys mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…

so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

– Ok, now take off my skirt…

and he takes off her skirt.

– Now take off my bra…

which he does.

– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, Were going to die! Were going to die! Theres no food! No water! Were going to Die! The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. Dont you understand?!? Were going to die!! The second man replied, You dont understand, I make $100,000 a week. The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, What difference does that make?!? Were on an island with no food and no water! Were going to DIE!!! The second man answered, You just dont get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!

Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

The sentence, Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket? sounds
normal.

You are used to doing everything one-handed.

The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a
pleasant one.

The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to
zero.

Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

You answer the question How are you? with Were fine.

You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but
based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirts main color.

You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think,
Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in… babysitting?

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with A man once told me…

How do you fix a womans watch?

You dont. Theres a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course. At least hell shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that wont do what shes told!

My brother-in-law just recently became a dentist and was issued his
DEA number, which allowed him to get prescription pads. A friend of his,
also a new dentist, had the misfortune of losing one of his pads. After
reporting the pad missing, he received a call from a pharmacist, who
believed he had found someone using the missing pad. When asked what had
raised his suspicions, the pharmacist replied that someone had just tried
to get a prescription filled for Mofine, 1 pound.

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man cry.

No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.