Mr.
Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban
girls junior college. During class one day he asked
his student, "Miss Simison, would you please
name the organ of the human body, which under the
appropriate conditions, expands to six times its
normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr.
Cikoch, I dont think that is a proper question
to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of
this. "With that she sat down red-faced.
Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked
the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure,
replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And
now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to
you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,
you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some
day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, motion sickness!
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
Two nuns are traveling through Tansylvania in their car. They get stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
Quick, quick!! shouts the first nun, What shall I do?
Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination, shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
Whatll I do now?, shouts the first nun.
Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican! says the second.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
Now what? screams the first nun.
Show him your cross! says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!
Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were
having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, I have four
sons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and Ill have a
football team.To which the Mormon man replied, You fellas aint got a clue. I
have 17 wives. One more and Ill have a golf course.
There are five people on a plane thats crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, God bless me! Bill Gates jumps out and yells, God bless me and my bank account! Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, God bless me and my team! Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, God bless me and the New York Rangers! The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, God bless me and the people I land on!
Youve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
You might be a redneck if…
Your momma doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin dog.
Youre an expert on worm beds.
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Un tipo está en su cama con su esposa cuando alguien toca a la puerta. El hombre ve su reloj y son las tres de la madrugada. En eso vuelven a tocar, esta vez más fuerte, asà que el tipo se levanta y baja las escaleras, abre la puerta y ve a un hombre evidentemente borracho.
Hola, balbucea el desconocido. ¿Me puede dar un empujoncito…?
No, vete al carajo. Son más de las tres, dice el hombre, regresa a la cama y le cuenta a su esposa lo sucedido.
Ella le dice: Oye, lo que hiciste no está bien. Recuerdas aquella noche cuando nos quedamos a medio camino y tú tocaste a una casa para que nos ayudaran? ¿Qué hubiera pasado si hubieran hecho lo que tú hiciste hoy?
¡Pero el tipo estaba perdido de borracho!
No importa, el hecho es que necesitaba tu ayuda.
Asà que el marido se levanta otra vez de la cama, se viste, baja las escaleras y abre la puerta. Como no ve al desconocido por ningún lado, grita: Oiga, ¿todavÃa necesita un empujoncito?
Y escucha a alguien gritar: ¡SÃ, por favor!
TodavÃa sin localizar al borracho, el tipo grita: ¿Dónde estás?
Y el borracho responde: Estoy por acá, en tu columpio.
Era el último dÃa de trabajo de Juan el Cartero después de 35 años de llevar la correspondencia al mismo barrio.
Cuando llego a la primer casa de su ruta fue recibido por la familia entera quienes lo rodearon y con aplausos lo felicitaron y le dieron un regalo. En la segunda casa le regalaron una caja de cigarros finos.
En la tercer casa fue recibido en la puerta por una hermosa mujer que vestÃa un revelador negligé. Ella lo tomó de la mano y lo llevó hacia adentro, hasta la recámara donde le hizo el amor desenfrenadamente. Cuando él tuvo suficiente, bajaron las escaleras y fueron a la cocina, donde ella le preparó un gran almuerzo: Huevos con tocino, pan tostado, hot cakes, leche y jugo de naranja. Luego le puso una taza de café caliente. Cuando tomó la taza de café, se dio cuenta de que abajo habÃa un billete de un dólar.
No tengo palabras para describir lo maravilloso que ha sido esto, dijo el cartero, pero ¿para qué es el dólar?
Bueno, dijo ella, anoche le platique a mi esposo que hoy seria tu último dÃa y que deberÃamos hacer algo especial por ti. Le pregunte que podrÃa darte, y él dijo: ¡A joder con él y dale un pinche dólar!… y bueno, ¡el desayuno fue idea mÃa!