Old and New Jokes

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The teams kipper!

Ref: Im sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer?

I was in bed.

What were you doing in bed this late?

Getting a second opinion.

…raise the seat before you piss.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. I have an idea, said Mike. Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder. What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light. What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there.

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and its a bad one.



Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man. Thats interesting. Im a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.



The man replied, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!



The woman continued, And look at this – heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.



Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says You take the first drink, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.



The woman asks, Arent you having any?



The man replies, No. I think I will just wait for the police…

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap … and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
Your hard drive crashes. You havent logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and theyre having sex. He asks what theyre doing and the father says were playing poker and the mother says & Im his partner.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what theyre doing. The grandfather says Were playing poker and the grandmother says & Im his partner.

He then goes into his brothers room and hes wanking. He asks what hes doing. The brother says Im playing poker.

The other brother asks why he doesnt have a partner and the brother replies, You dont need a partner if you have a good hand !

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek…

10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught He was found to be a Sardar.
He was questioned.
He explained that there was a man standing on the track and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc

Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger.
You should have run over that person Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.