Un hombre en el portal de su casa se encuentra con la vecina que está más buena que el pan, se meten en el ascensor y se quedan atrancados entre dos pisos. Pasa el tiempo y nadie va a rescatarlos, a ella le agarra un calentón, se fija en el vecino y piensa que no está tan mal, se desnuda y le dice:
¡Hazme mujer, hazme mujer!
El vecino se le que da viendo, se desviste a toda velocidad, le da el traje a la mujer y le dice:
Toma y traemelo lavado y bien planchado para mañana temprano.
Llega Pepito muy feliz a su casa:
¡Mamá, papá! ¡Me ahorré cuatro pesos!
¿Por qué?, le preguntan.
Porque me vine corriendo atrás del camión.
En eso, su papá interrumpe:
¡Ay, Pepito, si serás idiota! ¿No ves que estamos verdaderamente pobres?
SÃ, papá por eso me ahorre cuatro pesos.
¡Pues te hubieras ahorrado veinticinco pesos!
¿Y cómo?, pregunta Pepito.
¡Pues te hubieras venido corriendo atrás de un taxi!
You argue that you need 300 semi-automatic assault rifles, in case a squirrel ever attacks your home.
– A trip without the kids.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father OGrady after his Sunday morning service, and shes in tears.
He says, So whats bothering you, dear?
She says, Oh, Father, Ive got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.
The priest says, Oh, Mary, thats terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?
She says, That he did, Father…
The priest says, What did he ask, Mary?
She says, He said, Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…
BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY
1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit
the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or
emotionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into
unconsciousness.
2. AVOID ISOLATION. Dont do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies
with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but
also is anathema to agitation and depression.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside
so no-one will distract you. Theyre just trying to hurt your
productivity.
3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation,
or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if
necessary, leave.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress
these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( Its free.)
4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE. Pinpoint those areas or aspects which
summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that
pressure.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum
productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind
wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the
stock price.
5. STOP OVERNURTURING. If you routinely take on other peoples problems and
responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing
for yourself.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE
responsible for it all. Perhaps you havent thoroughly read your job
description.
6. LEARN TO SAY NO. Youll help diminish intensity by speaking up for
yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time
or emotions.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness,
and lowers the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can
do at midnight.
7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH. Learn to delegate, not only at work, but
also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing
yourself for yourself.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone
else do it (See # 5).
8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES. Try to sort out the meaningful values from the
temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. Youll
conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is
selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the
company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your
priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this
and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be
taken care of.
9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF. Try to take life in moderation. You only have
so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life,
then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.
MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland
Marketing Team. Dont be a fool: the only thing that matters
is work and productivity.
10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Dont skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid
diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments.
Take care of yourself nutritionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the
company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew.
(its free.)
11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY. Try to keep superstitious worrying to a
minimum–it changes nothing. Youll have a better grip on your situation
if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real
needs.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If youre not worrying about work, you must not be
very committed to it. Well find someone who is.
12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Begin to bring joy and happy moments into
your life. Very few people suffer burnout when theyre having fun.
MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? Well discuss this
with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.
You Know Youre From California When…
1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
2. Your were born somewhere else
3. You know how to eat an artichoke
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
5. Your car has bulletproof windows
6. Left is right and right is wrong
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
8. Your mouse has only one ball
9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
11. You cant find your other earring because your son is wearing it
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party
13. Your family tree contains significant others
14. Your dog has its own psychiatrist
15. You dont exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
17. More than clothes come out of the closets
18. The Dead are best live
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
22. Smoking in your office is not optional
23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
24. When you cant meet schedule because you must do lunch
25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
27. Youll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day
29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says- you cant patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!
And the farmer says, Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it! So the patent officer takes a bite, and then- oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like- blackberry pie!
And the farmer says Yeah, and Do you like vanilla ice cream?
Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side.
So the patent officer does and hes like-
Man! that really does taste like vanilla ice cream!
I cant believe it!
So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says: Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy? Oh yeah, Ive eaten plenty of pussy! And you like it, right? Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy says the patent officer, starting to get excited.
The farmer says, OK, then take a bite, right there So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.
Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT! & the farmer says shoot,…
Im sorry- flip it over & try the other side!
Q: Whats the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Darrell the banjo pickers canonical list of Banjo Jokes…
(Youve been warned)
Approved for all audiences
o Whats the difference between a banjo and a(n)…
(a.) onion
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(b.) Uzi
An Uzi only repeats forty times.
(c.) chain saw
A chain saw has a dynamic range
and you can turn a chain saw off.
(d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle
You can tune a Harley.
(e.) Trampoline
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded…you dont
have to be very good to get peoples attention.
o What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
Drool…
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.
o What will you never say about a banjo player?
Thats the banjo players Porsche.
o Banjo players are a lot like sharks–they think they have to keep playing or
they will sink…
o How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names…(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)
o The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building
You dont really need one.