Old and New Jokes

If its true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Bill Clinton comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, Clinton is a horses ass.

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his barstool, then stomps out.

He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Hillary Clinton appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, She is a horses ass too!

Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his barstool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, I take it this is Clinton country?

Nope. replies the bartender. Horse country.

Okay, Im a hypocrite. (Hippycrite?) Sue me. I used to like Christmas back then. Besides, it took me ages to find this, so you are getting it whether you want it or not.

From the Bench Racer 1962, stolen from the Foothills Street Rod Association at fsra.org

YULESVILLE

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging – and thats nowhere, dad,

The stove was hung up in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man would soon make the scene.

The kids that fell by had just made the street;
I was ready for Snoresville, and man, was I beat;

When there started a rumble that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window to figure the panic.

I saw a slick rod that was making fat tracks,
Souped up by eight ponies, all wearing hat racks;

And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid.
He told them to make it, and man, like they did!

They were out of the chute, making time like a bat,
Turning the quarter in eight seconds flat.

They parked by the smokestack in bunches and clusters,
And Chubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters,

His threads were from Cubesville and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his Ivy league buckle!

And the mop on his chin had a button-down collar,
And with that red nose he looked like a baller.

Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But lets face it, who cares when he left all that loot?

He laid the jazz on me and peeled from the gig,
Wailing, Have a cool Yule, Man! and clutched off in his rig.

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies Im sorry, but the cat isnt for sale. The collector says, Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. Ill pay you twenty dollars for that cat. And the owner says Sold, and hands over the cat. The collector continues, Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cats used to it and itll save me from having to get a dish. And the owner says, Sorry buddy, but thats my lucky saucer. So far this week Ive sold sixty-eight cats.

Somebody recent vandalised the local nudist camp. They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it.

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.

The second smiled, Thats nothing he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.

The third grinned and said You two didnt have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.