Old and New Jokes

(Heard on radio station CHNS, Halifax.)

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and
was always trying out new things. One day he thought
hed see just how fast a bicycle could go before it
became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned
an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper
of his car to test his theory. His friend said,
Sure.

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car
and said to his friend:

Ill ring my bike bell once if I want you to go
faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and
repeatedly if I want you to slow down.

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty
well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well
over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling
the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black
Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it
the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the
fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the
Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his
police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the
two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: Hey, you
guys arent going to believe this, but theres a
Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3,
and theres a guy on a bike ringing his bell and
waving his arms trying to pass them!

Stuart Watson, Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, Heavens getting pretty close to full today, and Ive
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So whats your story?

So the first man replies: Well, for a while Ive suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didnt reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldnt you know it, he wouldnt fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldnt stand that for long,
so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldnt stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.

That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

Its been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldnt hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now Im here.

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

Picture this, says the third man, Im hiding naked inside a
refrigerator…

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and he said to the first one, so how do you plead?,

Not guilty said the second defendant.

I wasnt talking to you the judge replied.

I never said a word the third defendant replied.

An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.

Hillbilly Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for sailor. T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for yearly. T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for twelve. T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that you either live close to New York or Boston

9) Having to live next to New York

8) The two most famous people to come out of Connecticut were a con man who ran a freak show and a man who was the primary cause of the Civil War

7) Because you have no point in being there other than during the fall

6) You can either be a pansy and support the Yankees or a masochist and support the Red Sox

5) You get to be associated primarily with New York and New Jersey

4) You get to hear New Yorkers compliment you for the peace and quiet

3) People from other states think you have a ten foot pole shoved up your ass

2) People from other states are usually right

1) Its Connecticut

Q: What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?

A: Hey…Nice Tits!!!

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

Sister, he asked, I wonder if you could tell me about this? (pointing to the crystal bowl)

Oh, yes, she replied, Isnt it wonderful?

I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I havent had a cold all winter!

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

Gene Perret in Readers Digest

You might be a redneck if…
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.