Una chica muy bonita se presenta en un consultorio dental; la recepcionista la hace pasar con el estomatólogo. Luego de sentarse en el sillón éste le pregunta:
¿En qué le puedo servir?
La muchacha se sube la falda; se baja las pantaletas ;se vuelve a sentar y abre las piernas. Atónito, el facultativo sugiere:
Señorita, creo que usted con quien quiere pasar es con el ginecólogo.
¡No, señor, lo que yo quiero es que me saque la placa que un viejito me dejó trabada.
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said I just have to go to the bathroom. Ill be back in a minute. and off she went.
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?
She said, I want a divorce.
He replied in shock, I wasnt planning on spending that much.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
Yo Mamas like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Everybody wants to poke her.
A new dean had just arrived at Modern University and thought she might well profit from a discussion with her predecessor who had recently resigned. During a lunncheon meeting she asked the former dean how he had managed crises. His response was to give her three envelopes with the instruction to open #1 with the first crisis, #2 with the second crisis, and #3 with the third crisis. She accepted the envelopes and the rest of the luncheon was spent on pleasantries.
Things went extremely well for her during the first six months. However, she then discovered a major problem in the budget: the year was only half over and it was clear that she was going to overspend her budget by 10%. The ruckus she caused by pulling funds back from departments, failing to keep commitments, etc., was such that she was facing her first major crisis. She opened envelope #1 to find that it stated Blame the prior dean for poor planning. This she did, and the crisis was muted.
The next year her curriculum committee recommended, and she implemented, a reduction in course requirements for graduation. Faculty from the affected departments were enraged, as they felt that they had not been appropriately consulted. The new dean, sensing her second crisis, opened envelope #2 which said: blame a faculty committee. To her amazement, this worked and the committee had to shoulder the blame for poor consultation.
Later that year she was preparing budgets for the following year and realized that she would not have enough funds to provide raises for faculty and staff because of some unanticipated captial costs. This caused a real uproar across the college. Confronting her third crisis, she opened envelope #3.
It said: Prepare three envelopes.
What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?
Bubble gum, you sicko!
I ran across this one in one of the local tabloids yesterday:
A 56 year old gentleman was arrested near White River Junction, VT in April after trying to break through a police rolling roadblock on I-89. Shaw, who was charged with DUI and other offenses, sa, I saw it so many times in the movies I had to try it.
(I wonder if he ever watched Son of Flubber and tried to fly as well?)
An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, I want to feel your breasts!
Get away from me, you crazy old man! she replied.
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars, he said.
Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100! he stated.
NO! Get away from me!
$200, he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, I said NO!
$500 if you let me feel your breasts, he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough … and $500 IS a lot of money … Well, OK … but only for a minute.
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, Why do you keep saying, Oh my God, oh my God?
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD … OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?