Old and New Jokes

How do you know when a ventriloquist lawyer is lying?

His lips arent moving.

Button sported by high school band director – A depiction of a saxophone and a cymbal, with the caption Sax Cymbal.

What happened to the dyslexic Polak?

He thought he was a dance!

(polka)

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about six feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Suddenly, Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again? Mrs. Boudreaux said, Oh yes, thats my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!

If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when theyre all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you dont have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? Open 24 hours a day.

Un señor va a pedir un trabajo en las oficinas de recursos humanos. y cuando lo atienden, el entrevistador le dice: Bueno, veo que tiene un curriculo bueno, ¿cuanto decía que le pagaban en su antiguo trabajo?

Y el desempleado le responde: Creo que eran unos 9000 dólares mensuales.

El señor de recursos humanos se detiene a pensar un poco y le dice: Bueno, me acuerdo de este lugar en el cual daban un seguro de vida de 1000,000 de dolares, un excelente plan dental, una paga mensual de 10,000 dólares, casa nueva en una de las mejores urbanizaciones de la ciudad, excelente puesto de estacionamiento, y un automóvil nuevo, creo que era un Lambourgini Diablo sv.

El desempleado le dice: No lo puedo creer. Usted debe estar bromeando.

Y el tipo de recursos humanos le responde: Sí, pero usted empezó.

Dos chicas se encuentran tomando una copa en un bar, cuando un sujeto entra por la puerta. Una de ellas mira a la otra y comenta:

Con ese tipo que acaba de entrar me acosté la semana pasada y… ¡Pedazo de noche, no te lo puedes imaginar!

¡Preséntamelo, que yo también quiero probar!, le dice la amiga.

Y así fue, se lo presentó y poco después se fueron a un hotel. Ya en la habitación, ella se desnuda y se mete en la cama, mientras él se va hacia el servicio. Cuando éste sale, ella se emociona pensando:

Por fin, ya vamos a empezar.

Pero él se pone a hacer pesas durante media hora. Cuando por fin acaba, la mujer suspira:

Por fin acabo el precalentamiento.

Entonces, el fulano coge siete preservativos y se los pone juntos.

Pues si que es precavido, piensa la joven.

Cuando el personaje termina de ponerse los preservativos, coge dos trocitos de algodón y se los mete en la nariz. Entonces, enfadada, la muchacha le reclama:

Me parece muy bien que hagas precalentamiento, me parece muy bien que seas precavido y te pongas siete preservativos pero… ¡¿Para que coño te pones el algodón en la nariz!?

Mira, nena, no hay cosa que más me reviente que el olor a goma quemada.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Darius!
Darius who?
Darius a lot I have to tell you!

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.