Old and New Jokes

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.

The doctor said, That wont do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said, Thats allright. I dont need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my shoes.

Leaving Peterborough for London on a day trip, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall… Hi there, how is it going? Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didnt know what to say so finally I say: Not bad… Then the voice says: So, what are you doing? I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: Well, Im going to London… Then I hear the person say all flustered: Look Ill call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

Doc, youve gotta help me! My wife just isnt interested in sex anymore. Havent you got a pill or something I can give her?

Look, I cant prescribe …

Doc, weve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? Im desperate! I cant think; I cant concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! Youve got to help me.

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. Ordinarily, I wouldnt do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that theyre VERY powerful. Dont give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.

I dont know, doc; shes awfully cold …

One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?

UM … okay.

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wifes coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes … he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, signs deeply and heavily and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, I need a man …

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, Me too …

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

You just wont believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force Ive never seen anything like it.

Oh yes dear, what happened ?

I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

Sure, said the drunk man.

Ill find Jesus.

So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

Damn, said the drunk man.

Are you sure he fell in there?

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because its no big deal unless youre not getting any.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.



One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.



Well the guy says, I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We cant be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18



The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say happy birthday, happy birthday!



The bartender asks so which one died?



No one.



But you only ordered two drinks!



Yeah, well, Ive given up drinking.