Old and New Jokes

Pam

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked
to supply alternate meanings for various words.The following were some of the winning entries:1.Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2.Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3.Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6.Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7.Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12.Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13.Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14.Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15.Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

A wealthy chinaman suspected his wife of being unfaithful to him and hired a prominent chinese detective to watch his wife; the following is his report:

DETECTIVES REPORT

You leave house

I watch house

Man come to house

Man ring door bell

Wife open door

Man go in house

Man and your wife leave house

They go railroad station

I go railroad station

They go on train

I go on train

They get off train

I get off train

They go to hotel

I go to hotel

They go inside

I no go inside

I climb tree outside window

He undress she

She undress he

He play with she

She play with he

I play with me

I fall out of tree

I no see

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked, The minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, Id rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, I didnt know there was a choice.

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, Havent I seen you somewhere before?

Yes, she replied in a loud voice, Im the receptionist at the V.D. clinic.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society..

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of

0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. * Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground BeefWhat do you call a cow with a sense of humor?
Laughing StockWhat do you call a humorous cow?
Utterly Funny

Heard from a friend whose friend actually saw it happen.

There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around.
A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were.
He was having some trouble spelling: Torso, in ditch. t-o-r…s-o, in
d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i…a-v-e…
<KICK> d-i-t-c-h.

[Forwarded by my friend Rick; original author unknown.]

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if…

your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
you have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob
he refers to Klingons as Critters
he refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns
he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
he says, Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing
frequencies
he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
he says, Yee-Ha! instead of Engage
he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
he insists on calling his executive officer Bubba
he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster
he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
he paints the starship John Deere green
he refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special
he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp
his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
he sings Lucille instead of Kathleen
his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
his idea of a gas giant is that big ol XO Bubba after a meal of beans
and weenies
he sets phaser to Cajun

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?