Old and New Jokes

A Sailor and a Marine are taking a leak in the head. The Sailor finishes and goes for the door. The Marine finishes and heads for the sink.

He calls out to the Sailor, Hey! Aren t you going to wash you hand? In The Corps they taught us to wash up afterwards.

The Sailor replies, Well, in the Navy they just told us not to piss on our hands.

A Marine walks in to the head. A little boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, Are you a REAL Marine?

The Marine replies, Why yes I am son… Say – you want to wear my hat?

The boy replies, Sure mister!, and put the hat on his head. As the Marine entered a stall the boy placed himself on guard duty by the door. Shortly, a Sailor entered the head.

The little boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, Are you a REAL Sailor?

The Sailor replied, Why yes I am… You wanna suck my dick?

The little boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, Oh no – Im not a real Marine – Im just wearing his hat!

The subway car was packed beyond capacity. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, Sir, if you dont stop poking me with your thing, Im going to the cops!I dont know what youre talking about miss. Thats just my pay check in my pocket, replied the guy.Oh really! she spat. Then you must really have quite some job, because thats the fifth raise youve had in the last half-hour.

I may not like Green ham or eggs,
but I sure love your long, thin legs.
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please come now?!?
From far or near or here or there,
havent I seen you before somewhere?
Thats not the only place this Sneetch has a star, Baby.
Sally from Whoville, whats your sign?
Lets blow this joint – your thneed or mine?
Yknow, after he stole it, the Grinch hid Christmas – in my pants.
I love someone who knows what wine goes with red fish or blue fish.
Is that a Cat in your Hat or are you just happy to see me?
I hate this place — the crowds so phony! Say, care to ride me like a pony?
My heart aint the only thing two sizes too large, if you know what I mean.
On a boat, in a car, with your toes all curled – Oh, the places well go when I rock your world!
Howd you like to be in my next book: Great Legs and Ass?
I do not like my wife, you see.
I do not like her, no sirree.
Her looks accuse, her words disparage,
and so we have this open marriage.
Each book makes a million, a zillion, or three. Would you, could you, come home with me?

and the Number 1 Dr. Seuss Pick Up Line…

In all of Hooterville, where theres Hooters supreme, yours are the best of the Hooters Ive seen!

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other problem can there be greater than this one ?

Birkenstock Barbie:

Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie:

Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:

An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:

Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashiers aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves:

Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development & breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie:

So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie:

Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like I dont think so. Dang, get outta my face, and You go, girl. Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending White people.

Transgender Barbie:

Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie:

Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!

Dinner Roll Barbie:

A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmanns walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading Only the Weak Dont Eat and, of course, an appetite.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of Baywatch have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie:

Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:

This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

Americas Most Wanted Barbie:

Shes on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie:

Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbies struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbies clothes.

My So-Called Barbie:

She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who dont have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie:

The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote:

Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (shes 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says, Sir, I offer you my honor.

He replies, I honor your offer.

And thats how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.

A farmers crops failed, his wife left him for another man, his children were all gay, his dog was his worst enemy, fire destoryed his house, his tractor overturned, he was trapped under it and could smell raw gasoline and heard some loose wires sparking.

In despair he turned his eyes Heavenward and and said, Oh Lord… why me?

A gigantic voice roared down from Heaven and said, Something about you just pisses me off!

Hes teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, Now thats addition.
And as he added smack by smack, in silent satisfication, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, Now thats subtraction.
Then he kissed her, she kissed him without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, Thats multiplication.
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that kid three blocks away and said, Thats long division!