Old and New Jokes

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were
invited to the Colonels home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was
partnered with the Colonels wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room,
his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonels wife smiled demurely, Dont worry about it; this is the first
time all evening that Ive been able to tell what he has in his hand.

This is better told than read…

A bear walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender says, What can I get you?

The bear says

Ill have a ……………………………
……………………………. Beer.

Bartender says, Whats with the paws?

The following appeared in Jean Goddens column in the Seattle
Post-Intelligencer on December 24, 1990 after an extraordinarily
heavy snowfall crippled transportation services:

Buss service: The Metro bus driver on No. 55 from West Seattle
Friday morning announced over the microphone: Keep pushing to the
back, folks, make a few friends. Consider this a very crowded
singles bar with bad service.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks youre an asshole.
Im just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
Keep honking, Im reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.
Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.
Sex on television cant hurt you… unless you fall off.

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. Id finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway?

You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question Ive ever heard: Are you reading that paper?

I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, Yes.

Losing My Connection

by Alan Zacher

to the tune of Losing My Religion

(Apologies to REM)

Windoze is bigger

Its bigger than Earth

But not quite as big as

The things that I must do now

To upgrade all my stuff

Oh no I need more RAM

I set it up

Thats me in the corner

Thats me on the help line

Losing my connection

Trying to keep up with Linux

And I dont know if I can do it

Oh no I need more RAM

I havent bought enough

I thought that I heard you laughing

I thought that I heard you Ping!

I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare

Of velour vest wearing Borg, Im

Purchasing new hardware

Trying to cool my CPU

Like a Pentium that become a 286

Oh no I need more RAM

Resistance is futile.

Consider this

The OS of the century

Consider this

The OS that brought me

To my knees failed

Now all these open apps have

Come crashing down

Now I need more RAM

I thought that I heard you laughing

I thought that I heard you Ping!

I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream

I hope that was a dream …

Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!

Members of Congress…people of America….

I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you havent been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I havent tried to do are The First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because theyre a Little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isnt to say I dont appreciate Hillary… I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, Id be Pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and shed be married to The President.



So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.



Six years ago, theres not a man, woman, or child who didnt know I Was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called Kennebunkport. There was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimers he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.



Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin (instead of San Clemente) for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didnt hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point…



Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didnt seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell internet has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: Im running a country here and Im doing it with my pecker showing.



What Im asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless, of course, shes a hotty with thin ankles, and then Id like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life youre living before you get too interested in where Im parking the Presidential limousine.



Thank you, good night and God bless America!

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.



Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.



Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.



Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesnt fully appreciate the strained carrots.



Full Name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.



Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.



Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.



Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.



OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.



Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.



Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.



Sterilize: What you do to your first babys pacifier by blowing on it.



Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.