Old and New Jokes

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, Give it to me straight. How long have I got? The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, Call for my lawyer. When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought Id check out the same way.

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant, said Edna to Priscilla.

But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy, Priscilla responded.

He did. Thats why I have to take every precaution.

You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table in front of her kids.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.

Q:why do the people have heart Attacks?

A:Because they saw your face

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in common?

Theyre both going down.

Death is Natures way of saying slow down.

El avión donde viajan dos frailes franciscanos sufre una falla y se lanzan por el paracaidas. A uno de ellos no le da tiempo de ponerse los chones y se lanza solo con su hábito y se dirige hacia un convento de madres capuchinas; una de ellas mira al cielo y ve que algo viene cayendo al convento y se dirige a la madre superiora:

¡Madre un angelo, un angelo!

¡Y vola!

¡Si, duo bola madre, duo bola!