Old and New Jokes

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?



The flattered husband said, No, dear they havent.



The wife yells, Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?

Thanksgiving to do list from Martha Stewart…



Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.



Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.



Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air.This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.



Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.



When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you dont know.

Your mamma is so fat when she sees a bus go down the street she says stop that twinkee!

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

Come have a look over here, says Bubba, Its Zeb Jones grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.

Thats nothing, says Earl, heres one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.

Just then, Jeb yells out, But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!

What was his name? asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Georgia.

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters father, That, sir, is some display of teamwork.

The father replied, I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.

Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.

After the examination, the physician seemed confused. Youre a virgin. How is that possible?

My first husband was a psychiatrist, she explained. He analyzed it all the time.

My second husband was an English lit professor. He wrote about it all the time.

My third husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it.

But now Im marrying a lawyer, she said with a smile, so I know Ill get screwed.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, Is anyone here a doctor.

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, Im a doctor, what can I help you with?

Ive been stung by a bee. Oh really, where? Between the first and second hole Well, first of all, your stance is too wide…

You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting, she said as they were side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.

Then you used to kiss me, she purred. He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.

After that, you used to bite my neck. With that the husband got up. Where are you going? she asked. To get my teeth, he grumbled.

Are You A Steamer?

Steamer – A person, normally female and also normally of 45+ years, who refusing to accept her age makes desperate attempts to appear 20+ years younger.

Take this questionnaire to find out if you are a steamer:

Your wardrobe consists mainly of:

tailored suits and silk blouses – you spend most of your time at the office
sweats, jeans and t-shirts – designed for your active lifestyle
spandex pants in neon colors, halter tops and mini-skirts which you share with your 14 year-old daughter.

Your hair is:

exquisitely highlighted by one of the finer salons in your city
your natural color
the palest white blonde you can get from a bottle.

Your favourite place to buy clothing:

Saks, Holt-Renforth – only the finest quality will do
K-Mart, Walmart – youd rather spend your hard-earned money on more important things
Contempo Casual, Suzies or wherever it is your teenaged daughter and her friends shop.

Your complexion is:

pale white – you never have time to be outdoors
slightly tanned or sunburned from your recent Florida vacation
deeply tanned – you have a life-long membership with an indoor tanning parlour.

Your nails are:

short,square,painted a light frosted pink
youd prefer not to show them – as theyve become ragged from the gardening you love
3.5 centimeters acrylics painted fire-engine red.

You and your husband are meeting friends for dinner; you wear:

well-made black slacks with matching jacket and black pumps.
jeans and a sweater – your friends wont expect you to dress up.
leopard skin spandex pants with halter top and stilletto heels.

Your cosmetics:

A dozen items in shades suitable for the office applied and blended for a natural look as taught to you by a professional make-up artist.
tinted moisterizer, sunscreen and mascara is all you ever use.
Hazel Bishops jet black mascara with matching eye-liner, several pairs of false eyelashes, neon coloured lipsticks, rouge, and several jars of expensive face creams – hey, being glamourous takes work.

Your career of past 10 years has been:

investment banker
nursing or medical related
receptionist or restaraunt hostess.

Your residence:

a rental condo in a highrise in the center of financial district – perfect for the entertaining your work requires
a chalet in the country side – its worth the commute to be there.
a track house in the suburbs you bought for its walking access to several shopping centers.

You just found out you won $12000 on your lottery ticket! You:

Impossible! You wouldnt be caught dead buying a lottery ticket.
Remind yourself to ask your cousin Patti for investment advice when you see her this weekend
Rush to the telephone to find a plastic surgeon who does breast implants.

You fantasize about a career in:

Owning your own company
Applied Biotechnology
modeling or topless dancing – youve still got what it takes.

The magazines you subscribe to:

Fortune,PCWeek,Omni
National Geographic,Redbook and Readers Digest
Cosmopolitan,Young & Modern,Seventeen

From a distance people sometimes mistake you for:

Susan Sarandon
Elle Macpherson
the woman from the Psychic Friends Network commercials.

Speaking of celebrities, you fancy you resemble:

Meryl Streep and Jodie Foster
Sandra Bullock and Geena Davis
Pamela Anderson and a young Christie Brinkley.

Your bathroom is decorated in:

High-Tech patterns of black and white, modern lighting
Lavender-based floral wallpaper with an old-fashioned bathtub.
Pictures of yourself topless, taken in the Greek Islands by a former lover.

Your vehicle

Two-seater imported sports-car.
Ford Taurus
84 Japanese import-the only thing you can afford after you buy your clothes each month.

Score:

Count the number of C answers you selected.

3 or less

You are definitely NOT a steamer. Your education, good-taste or preoccupation with domestic matters will most likely prevent you from ever becoming a steamer.

3-5

While you are most likely Not a steamer, you may have picked up one or two of these unflattering habits from your mother. If you are not yet 40, then save this article and take the test regularly. Seek help if your score goes up.

5-7

Better be Carefull as you clearly have tendencies to steamerism. Throw out all of your low-cut tops and spandex and vow never to wear them again. Lose the tan and RUN to the beauty salon for hair coloring correction.

8 or More

No doubt about it… your a steamer tried and true. Your probably used to being followed by pre-teenage boys in grocery stores by now. You may be contemplating stealing your daughters boyfriend. As its too late to undo the habits and images ingrained in you, consider buying a red convertable and moving to Hawaii.

This article is excerpted from the e-zine Ooze #4. Ooze is available in macintosh application, text, or nice graphical web version from http://www.io.com/user/ooze/ or from drbubonic@aol.com for subscription or back issue information. (include wether you want mac or text format)

THE BIG SURPRISE

It was a big night out. One of my friends had invited a group of her co-workers and me out to a bar. When I got there I was introduced to an ok-looking Asian girl. She was sort of kooky and had been slamming down the drinks. She entertained the party by demonstrating her ability to put lit matches into her mouth. Amusing, but nothing really out of the ordinary.

Until she grabbed my hand. What are you doing? I asked.

Trust me. She held my fist and extended my index finger, bracing it with both hands. She started guiding my extended finger towards her face.

I thought she was going to insert my finger into her nose to pick some boogers out, but she was guiding my finger towards her eye. Strange, I thought to myself as she poked my finger into her open eyeball, instead of being squishy it was sort of hard.

I thought that was a pretty neat trick to freak someone out by making them touch a hard contact lens. Those are thick contacts, I said.

No, no. Thats my glass eye, and demonstrated the fact by asynchronously twirling it around in her skull. A million questions filled my head.

Were you in the same accident as Sammy Davis Jr.?

Do you have any weird holiday colored eyes?

Are you available for bar mitzvahs?

But, for once, I was floored. I just stared at the wall. I had just touched a glass eye!

I bet soon, once piercing and branding are laughable old fads like bell bottoms, teens will line up to have their very own glass eye. How chic!

Heres a cool party trick you can use to cash in on the Glass Eye phenomenon. If you are at a party and someone drops some glass on the floor smashing it, quickly cover one of your eyes and yell, My Glass Eye! very loudly.

It makes some people really uncomfortable, but most chicks will eventually dig how hip you are to the glass eye phenomenon.