Old and New Jokes

Habla un borracho a la estación de policía a las tres de la mañana:

Bueeeno, ¡hic! ¿Delegación de policía?, ¡hic!

Sí, señor, a sus órdenes.

¿Me puede mandar quince policías?

¡Cómo no, señor! ¿Adónde?

¡A chingar a su madre! ¡Hic!

Q: What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
novices. The Tao is embodied in all software–regardless
of how insignificant, said the master.

Is Tao in a hand-held calculator? asked the novice.

It is, came the reply.

Is the Tao in a video game? continued the novice.

It is even in a video game, said the master.

And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.
The lesson is over for today, he said.

Reprinted from The Tao of Programming.

1. Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!



2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.



3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.



4. Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.



5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.



6. You want to see if its like the dream.



7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.



8. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.



9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.



10. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.



11. No one steals your chair anymore.

Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: Darling, take off my dress. The husband complies.

And now, she says in a husky voice, Take off my high heel shoes. Thats nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood. And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.

AND DONT YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEAR ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!!

Patient to optometrist: Im very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Dont worry, you wont be able to see the difference.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, he explained… It took us awhile to find a new pilot.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, What does love mean?

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldnt bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. Thats love.
– Rebecca, age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.
– Billy, age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
– Karl – age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
– Chrissy – age 6

Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you dont yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.
– Samantha – age 6

Love is what makes you smile when youre tired.
– Terri – age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
– Danny – age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
– Emily – age 8

Love is whats in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
– Bobby – age 5

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
– Nikka – age 6

Love is hugging, Love is kissing, Love is saying no
– Patty – age 8

When you tell someone something bad about yourself and youre scared they wont love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more.
– Matthew – age 7

There are two kinds of love. Our love. Gods love. But God makes both kinds of them.
– Jenny – age 4

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
– Noelle – age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
– Tommy – age 6

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasnt scared anymore.
– Cindy – age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You dont see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
– Clare – Age 5

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
– Elaine – age 5

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
– Chris – age 8

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
– Mary Ann – age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
– Lauren – age – 4

I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.
– Bethany – age 4

Love cards like Valentines cards say stuff on them that wed like to say ourselves, but we wouldnt be caught dead saying.
– Mike – age 8

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
– Karen – age 7

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesnt think its gross.
– Ma rk – age 6

You really shouldnt say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
– Jessica – age 8

Love is that first feeling you feel before all

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry dance?

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.