What do you call a fly in a blondes brain? A space invader!

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on the train, he went straight to the ticket-man and said, Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and Im sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is to wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here are 100 francs for the favor.

He continued by saying, But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent; but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?

So the ticket-man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep … and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt!

He was so mad at the ticket-man that he ran over and started yelling: Are you STUPID or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up and get me off at Mannheim. And you didnt! I want my money back!

While the man was yelling, two other guys who were also on the train were looking at them.

One looked at the other and said Jeez, that guy is really pissed off!

The other replied, Yeah. Hes almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train at Mannheim last night.

My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:1. There must be a mistake somewhere.2. I was not well at the time of the examination.3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father) whose pride I am.7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students19. At the time of the exa

Whats a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur? A lickdicknopuss !

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot a deer from inside your house.

Excerpted from Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.

The German airfield, constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –

Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?

Aghast, the man said, are you NUTS?, thats robbery!

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –

Sir, since you are a bit irate, Ill sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly – you must be crazy pal, now go away!

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –

Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

HEY, he snarled, this brownie tastes like crap!!!

It is, replied the salesman. Wanna buy some mouthwash?

An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"

Surprise Settlement Evenly Splits Microsoft; One Firm To Make Software, Other To Make Patches

Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Critics immediately charged that the settlement — which overrides a previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice — does nothing to diminish Microsofts standing as the worlds most powerful software company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so thats 1 billion patches, said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. That is an enormous, undeveloped market.

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a mad scramble among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was really quite simple.

Everyone here is asking themselves, Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? he said.

But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. Considering the sheer number of patches were talking about, I think the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people whove jumped ship very well know that.

Nonsense. Its really all about consumer choice, responded Patchsofts new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer, Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com). Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsofts upgrade site. That was planned, he said. It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch Access system. Went perfectly. No one was able to download anything.

At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers (CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the settlement prohibits collaboration.

Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. Theyll just have to be surprised, he said.

So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft, he added.

One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of Patchsoft. This seems like a logical split right now, but what if Microsofts products improve to the extent that patches are needed less frequently, or perhaps not at all? she asked.

Im sorry, I can only respond to serious questions, Blumenthal answered.

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You use the term over yonder more than once a month.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words Trucking Institute.