Old and New Jokes

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place.

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?

Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.

Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.

God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

Va una monja en un taxi, varios minutos después de que se sube, el taxista le dice: sor, si usted supiera. Todos hemos tenido fantasías sexuales, y la mía es hacer el amor con una monja.

Eso no es ningún problema hijo, únicamente debes cumplir tres mandamientos: ser católico, soltero y nunca haber tenido relaciones sexuales.

Hermana, yo cumplo con esos requisitos.

El taxista se para en un terreno solitario, se pasa al asiento trasero y resuelve a la monja. Pasa al asiento delantero y va muy callado nuevamente.

Luego comienza a llorar y dice: sor, yo le mentí: no soy católico, ni soltero. Soy casado y soy judío, además tengo relaciones sexuales diariamente. He pecado, violé su virginidad.

Por favor no llores, despreocúpate hijo, que mi nombre es Pedro y voy para una fiesta de disfraces.

There is a blond a brunette and a redhead and they get shipwrecked and are all stranded on a desert island. the brunetee is trying to think of a way to get back to land while the redhead gets food and the blond digs in the sand. Suddenly the blond cries out come look, come look so the brunette and the redhead come over to see what the blond has found, it turns out to be a magic lamp so they rub the lamp and a genie comes out and says i will grant you 3 wishes so the redhead says I wish i was back with my family POOF she is back with her family. the brunette says the same, POOF she is back with her family and the blond says sure is lonely without those guys i wish they were back here POOF, POOF, thy are all stranded on a desert island.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

Suit yourself, the farmer replied, you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.Tell an employee in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.Play with the automatic doors.Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along.Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this junk, anyway?Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim youre taking it for a test drive.Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!Put M&Ms on layaway.Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows.Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, …Im Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!Toilet pape

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:

YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:

YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded:

YES SIR.

A gentile one asked Rabbi Goldberg,


Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?

The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied


Who told you that?

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:



1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.



2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.



3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!



4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.



5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?



6. Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)



7. This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.



8. To shut down your system, type WIN



9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.



10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.



11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)



12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.



13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)



14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)



15. User Error: Replace user.



16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)



17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.