The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.
To shut down your system, type WIN.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
Welcome to Microsofts World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have security?
Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. Word has detected that you dont wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
·There would be 10 times as many people in the ship
·There would be a song with Kate Winslett in a white sari, singing in the rain.
·By the end of the movie, hero would find his long lost Mom, Dad, sis and bhai
·It would be a seven-and-a-half-hour movie with three intervals. The movie would be called Pyar Kiya to Marna Kya?
·The hero and the heroine would float in the cold water for days and still survive while the villain would die in the first few drops.
·The iceberg was sent by the heroine’s father to teach a lesson to the hero.
·None of the women would float because of the saris.
·The orchestra would play Jai Santoshi Maa and a ray of light would come and transport the musicians to another ship.
·And can you imagine how many times we would hear bachaoo?
The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.
What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting, the nurse exclaimed.
I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby, the new mother replied.
You dont have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.
You dont understand, the woman said and frowned. My baby already has a FIRST name!
For the twelve days of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother) gave to me:
12 missionaries
11 televisions
10 cans of soda
9 Pounds of poi
8 ukuleles
7 shrimps a swimming
6 hula lessons
5 Luau pigs!
4 Flower Leis
3 Dried squid
2 coconuts
and a Myna bird in a papaya tree
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird incidents: *A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luises car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him. *Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him. *Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. *George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. *Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. *A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. *Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
You might be a redneck if…
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
1. When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road,
dont signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others
from passing.
2. Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
3. In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half
way and stop on the line, taking both.
4. As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of
you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it,
pull through and take it from him.
5. Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
6. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your
door really hard.
7. When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of
speed.
8. When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/
relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in
the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up
and discharging passengers.
9. When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are
in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.