Old and New Jokes

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought – I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me.

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini.

Immediately, the man behind the counter said Are you a hillbilly? This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, Are you a hillbilly or not?

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owners discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, But how did you know?

The shopkeeper replied, This is a hardware store!

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesnt smoke, and he hasnt so much as looked at a woman in over two years. The other woman said, Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasnt he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasnt touched a drop of liquor in all that time. My word, the first mother said. You must be so proud.I am, the second mother replied. And when hes paroled next month, Im going to throw him a big party.

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.

So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.

The man smiles and says,Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.

The manager frowns, Sir, Im sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I dont like the look of all those condoms.

The man chuckles, Oh, Im no womanizer… but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?

Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of
the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if
she would bring her a cigarette when she came back.

Thats no problem, dear. And pulling a condom from her halter,
untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches.

Thats clever. What do you call it?

Why, its a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store.

Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the
druggist for some condoms. The druggist looked at the packages of various
quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted.

Oh, big enough for a king sized Camel!

Wilie was a chemist

but willie is no more

for what he thought was H20

was H2SO4

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill You have one wish.

Bill Clinton cried But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes! Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you, replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said Bring peace to the middle east. He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said Nope. Cant do that choose another wish. This next wish came up right away.

I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly Um…can I take a look at that map again?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but I like the way youre thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

Well, said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone.

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way youre thinking.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot: Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land… its a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. Whoa.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you dont know
how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children
decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight…

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight
attendant came on the PA and announced: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate.

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Why no, Mam, said the pilot, What
is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
youll think of us here at US Airways.

Heaven is…

when the French are the cooks,

the Italians are the lovers,

the British are the police,

the Germans are the mechanics

and the Swiss run the hotels.

Hell is…

when the British are the cooks,

the Swiss are the lovers,

the Italians are the mechanics,

the French run the hotels

and the Germans are the police.