It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29
Apr
29
Apr
November 22, 1996 – Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.
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November 15, 1996 – What the…?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said Tower, this is United 586. Weve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.
The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
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November 8, 1996 – Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high…San Jose
Tower: American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
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November 1, 1996 – Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was GIB, and stood for Guy In Back. The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a gib is a castrated tomcat.
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October 11, 1996 – What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City…
KC Approach: Malibu three-two-Charlie, youre following a 727, one oclock and three miles.
Three-two-Charlie: Weve got him. Well follow him.
KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven oclock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) Well… Ive got something down there. Cant quite tell if its a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.
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September 6, 1996 – Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied Eastern and weve already notified our caterers.
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June 28, 1996 – No, Thats not what I Said! OHare Approach Control: United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one oclock, 3 miles, eastbound.
United 329: Approach, Ive always wanted to say this… Ive got that Fokker in sight.
29
Apr
Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
29
Apr
Famous interpretations of Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him down!
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and well find out.
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what they call it: the other side. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what youre telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe its true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
29
Apr
why did the silly boy stand on his head?
because his feet where tired.
29
Apr
What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
French flies.
What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
Poloroids.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
A south paw.
What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
Chicken of the sea.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.
What do you call a transvestite cow?
A Dairy Queen.
What do you call Eskimo cows?
Eskimoos.
What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
A quackintosh.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
29
Apr
The season is upon us, and so that all you duffers out there are prepared, heres a little poem for you all to memorize and trot out as the need arises.
Trees: A Golfing Parody
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree oer which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie.
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send.
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
(Author unknown, but with apologies to Joyce Kilmer)
29
Apr
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
29
Apr
One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.
The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks yeah, what do you want?.
The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice Ive lost my tail … and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on.
At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog … Sorry, but we dont re-tail spirits at this time of night.
28
Apr
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.