Old and New Jokes

You get to choose your clients
Hotel, etc. expenses are directly billed
You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you.
No dress code
Close client interaction at all times
You are working nights anyway
Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule
Continual feedback – every two hours or so
Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be)
Either way you are still getting screwed

Hey, Princess, you wouldnt happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? Been there, slain that. Whats a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? They dont call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs werent the only thing they stretched. Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. Wench: Whats that sound? Knight: Thats just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! Your hovel or mine? Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? Dost thou practice safe hex? Milady, its not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. You should be glad Im not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what Im walking on! Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? You wont believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you…the fate of England depends is on it!! Im really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. Ive been VERY NAUGHTY. Youll have to put me in the stocks and…er…PUNISH me, now wont you? You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasnt my hair that the queen asked me to let down. I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, mlady. Cmon, sweetie…didnt your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? Can I hose down your doublet? Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridg

You might be a redneck if youre considered an expert on worm beds!

A man was boasting to his friend, You know, I am a well known collector of antiques.

His friend replied, Yes I know, I have seen your wife.

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?

Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.

The girl asked her lover, Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?

Sure!, replied her lover. Whats your phone number?

Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?

Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!

Young Man: Im so sorry. I didnt know you were pregnant.

A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill he wrote: This bill is now one year old.

Back came the reply: Happy Birthday!

1) Excitable — Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable — Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed — Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid — Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent — All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever — No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried — Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous — Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded — Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish — Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky — Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient — Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate — Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough — Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient — Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat — Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little — Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk — Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled — Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited — Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (you know who
you are). This collection was selected especially for rec.humor.funny
by paul@media-lab.media.mit.edu, waksman@grad1.cis.upenn.edu (Adlai
Waksman), bard@cs.cornell.edu (Bard Bloom) and myself,
kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler).

[Ed: To explain further, any USENET user can send a question to the
oracle. Questions are forwarded to a different Oracle participant who
tries to come up with a funny answer, which is mailed back to the
person asking the question, and posted to the net.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What are those little crumblies on the bottom of an English Muffin,
and why the hell are they there in the first place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, Im glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the
most diabolical conspiracies of all time! These little crumblies, as
you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically
engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your
brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make
you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong
side of the road.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why is a cow?

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

Mu.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

RN GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES. CAN YOU
HELP ME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Gladly. Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type q.
Itll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Will your answer to this question be in the negative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Memory fault. Core dumped.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How did Man come into existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom …

You owe the Oracle three hickeys.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What if cows had opposable thumbs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Undoubtedly, theyd strangle Farmer JoeBob and the rest of humankind for
centuries of slavery, slaughter and clumsy manhandling of their private
parts–not to mention the humiliation of cow-tipping.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh, Great Oracle! What dost thou do with thy newts eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Hey, everybody! Follow the bouncing ball …

Oh! A newts eye is a wonderful thing,
It makes you laugh, it makes you sing,
If you dont like the news I bring,
Youd better go consult the I Ching.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why did the paper in my printer just get stuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head. Listen!
Printers do not eat cookies! Hard disks eat cookies. Printers eat ice
cream–spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along
like a car with sugar in the gas tank. (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like
to have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know
that IBM is weird anyway.)

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldnt hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, theyre trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. Ive got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, So youre the new stud in town? I bet you really think youre hot stuff, dont you? Well Im not ready for the chopping block yet. Ill bet Im still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself. The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on said the young rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easy, said the young rooster.

The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but hes still hanging in there. Sadly, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap hes just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…….. Damn, thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month!

I dont think Ill ever have a mothers intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, What do I do if he cries?She said, Give him some vegetables.It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.

Definition of a Jewish dilemma:

Someone yelling, Free ham!

Q: Why should Republicans be buried 100 feet deep?

A: Because deep down, theyre really good people.