Old and New Jokes

On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.

It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily. Ive been saved.

Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.

Did he now? said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.

Is that a fact? said the old nun even more evenly.

At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.

That wicked old Devil! said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

Whats the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

Ones an African lion, and the others a lion African.

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, Pastor there are some things in life that arent addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded, There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.

The woman responded, PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, Yes, its the part where Mary rides Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, Where are we?

The man yells back, About a half mile from town.

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, He must have been a lawyer.

The other says, A lawyer! How do you know that?

The first says, That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

Easy, says the man.

Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.

Wow, says the man at the bar.

I gotta try this.

He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

Geez, Superman, says the bartender.

You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk.

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.

How did you do tonight, dear?

asked her mother.

Not too good.

replied the daughter, I only got 20 dollars for a blow job

Wow! said the mother, In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!

Good God! said the Grandmother, In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!

Did u hear about rosie odonnel? I herd she drowned. really yeah they said they found her face down on Ricky Lake.

A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train
and was dragged in his car more than a kilometre before being slammed
into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked
for help.

The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were
driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New
South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said.

Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 metre long
train at a level crossing. (I guess that would be harder to miss
than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the
second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the
track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman
said.

After being carried more than a kilometre and a half they approached
an unfenced bridge with a 10 metre drop, the spokeswoman said.
Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a
pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came
to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder
if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the
railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his
death, the spokeswoman said.

The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering
in Moree hospital with chest injuries.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes
is that you know when to cringe.