Old and New Jokes

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing
God, she asked if this was it.

God replied, No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to
live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much
more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while
crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the
hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said
I had another 40 years?

God replied, Sorry, I didnt recognize you.

A New Orleans lawyer needed 75 stitches after a two-metre shark
in a restaurant aquarium lunged out and bit him.

— Canadian Lawyer, December 1988 (What a Wacky Year: a
look back at some of the strange and bizarre stories and
events of 1988)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, I bet I know what it is – its some flowers! Thats right! shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. I bet I know what it is – its a box of candy! Thats right! shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owners son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

Is it wine? she asked.

No, little johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

Is it champagne? she asked. No, he answered.

Finally, the teacher said, I give up. What is it?

Little johnny replied, A puppy!

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

Note: None because gypsies dont have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)

Un matrimonio circulaba en su vehículo por la cordillera alpina sin decirse ni una palabra debido a una pelea que acababan de tener, y sin ninguna perspectiva de reconciliación.

Mientras pasaban por una hacienda, donde había varias mulas y cochinos, el esposo sarcásticamente preguntó:

¿Familiares tuyos…?

Sí… mis suegros.

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

Mommy she said Can we leave now?

No her mother replied.

Well, I think I have to throw up!

Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

Did you throw up? her mother asked.

Yes the little girl replied.

Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

I didnt have to go out of the church, Mommy the little girl replied, They have a box next to the front door that says for the sick.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?

A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?

A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when shes lying down in tall grass?

A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in youre yard?

A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then said Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?

A: Zero – a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

Q: Whats grey and comes in quarts?

A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?

A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?

A: He wasnt laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?

A: Because Noddy wont pay the ransom. (Noddy is childrens storybook character)

Q: Why dont you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?

A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?

A: Slow pygmies.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, Why didnt you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?

The lady replied,My phone doesnt have an eleven!

Im in this private room consoling a depressed friend.
Youre different … Ive never felt like this about someone Ive never met before.
Im new online and havent had time to creat a profile … but tell me more about yourself.
I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well Im getting excited
Yes of course Im female …
No this is my only screen name … You mean you can have more then one?
Im 54, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body! Male version is Im 60, great tan, and buffed from working out
Im not like most of the guys here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other (at the hotel coffee shop)
I dont care what you look like, its whats on the inside that counts (Which is true,except it means Im horny and could care less, just type)

And the number one Online lie is …

Tonight my love … our souls have touched