Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you get a one-armed redneck out of a tree?

A: Wave.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

NEW VIRUS ALERT…..immediately scan your computer for the following
viruses!

Pat Buchanan Virus:
Your system works fine, but complains loudly about
foreign software.
Colin Powell Virus:
Makes its presence known but doesnt do anything.
Secretly you wish it would.
Hillary Clinton Virus:Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a
year later; in another directory.
O.J. Simpson Virus:You know its guilty of trashing your system, but
you just cant prove it.
Bob Dole Virus:Could be virulent, but its been around too long to be
much of a threat.
Steve Forbes Virus:All files reported as the same size.
Paul Revere Virus:This virus doesnt horse around, warns you of
impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C.
Politically Correct Virus:Never identifies itself as a virus, but
instead refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism.
Ross Perot Virus:Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.
Dan Quayle Virus:Thier is simthing rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant
figyur outt watt!
Government Economist Virus:Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus:Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus:Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.
Lance Corporal Virus:Does all the work while the Ncos get credit for
it.
Marine Corps Virus:Invades, takes over and leaves the Army virus to
occupy
Army Virus:Always shows up to take the credit after the Marines have
defeated the enemy.
Dion Sanders Virus:Hypes itself up to be everything its not.
Dennis Rodman Virus:Screen changes color every time it boots up and
headbutts or kicks you in the groin when you attempt to remove it.
Texas Virus:Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve Virus:Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional Virus:The computer locks up and the screen splits in half
with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the
blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
Airline Luggage Virus:Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus:Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS Virus:
Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for
money.
Ted Turner Virus:
It colorizes your monochrome monitor
The Gallup Virus:
60 percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data
14 per cent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error)
Elvis Virus:Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs
only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
America.
Ollie North Virus:Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Nike Virus:Just does it.
Sears Virus:Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus:Your program can never be found again.
Kevorkian Virus:Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
Star Trek Virus:Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
Health Care Virus:Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and
sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
George Bush Virus:It starts by boldly stating: Read my docs…No New
Files! on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Virus.

Whats the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids wont eat broccoli.

Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I dont know and I dont care.

Whats the difference between the capital of Russia and a calfs mother?

One is Moscow, the other is cows ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?

The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?

At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things dont belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?

The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isnt available?

The mid woof.

Why cant a woman ask her brother for help?

Because he cant be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didnt?

Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the opossum it could be done.

A: Because they can understand them.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.

2. You check out their address, and its a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.

4. Their proud boast: Weve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.

5. Their promo materials use the words information and superhighway in the same sentence.

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks Would you like fries with that?

7. As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.

8. Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.

10. They charge by the word.

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance with out, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – Now Dasher, now Dancer… et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

Heard on UK Channel 4s Clive Anderson Talks Back, told by Frank Carson,
an Irish comedian:

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into
the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks
round and starts undoing his fly – Oh dear, she says, Not the
breathalyser again!

Two guys who wanted to get a job at a computer company way out west decided theyd better get a college education so they could interact with intelligent people, learn to read books, think, and be contributing citizens of the global village.

They enrolled in the local junior college, and the first guy went in to see his advisor, who said, Randy, I want you to take history, math, and logic.

Whats logic? asked Randy.

Well, said the professor, Ill give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?

Why, yes, I do, replied Randy.

OK, continued the professor, logic tells me that you have a yard!

Amazing, gushed the young rube.

And, continued the professor, since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house.

I do! I do! exclaimed the boy.

And, continued the professor, if you have a house, you probably have a wife. And, since you have a wife, I conclude that you are a heterosexual.

Gaaaa-lee! said Randy.

That logic is sumpn else!

He goes outside, and his friend, Buck, asks him what classes hes going to take.

Im gonna take history, math, and logic.

Whats logic? asks Buck.

OK, says Randy, Ill give you an example: Do you own a weed-eater?

Uh, no, relies Buck.

Andy pauses a bit and says Youre QUEER, aintcha?