Old and New Jokes

Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el décimo piso de un edificio.

El anciano dueño le advierte: Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, señol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ustéd lecibilá los tles castigos chinos.

El tipo se va a dormir y por la noche se levanta al baño, ve a la hermosa hija del chino y sin acordarse de la advertencia del anciano se acuesta con la muchacha.

A la mañana siguiente, el tipo se iba a despedir, pero en la cama encuentra un papelito que dice:

Primer castigo chino: roca sobre las piernas y en ese momento, de la nada cae una enorme roca que lo aplasta. Sin embargo, el hombre saca fuerzas y tira la roca por la ventana.

En eso, otro papelito cae: Segundo castigo: la roca está amarrada al huevo izquierdo.

El tipo no lo piensa más y se tira por la ventana. Al ir cayendo, ve que en su camisa está escrito el tercer castigo chino: ¡huevo derecho amarrado a la cabecera de la cama!

This bloke wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in atree in his garden.He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla? the service bloke asks.

Boy gorilla, replies the man.

Righto, says the service bloke. Ill be round in a jiffy. An hour later the service bloke shows up with a stick, a Pit Bull Terrier, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs.

Right he says to the man. Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.When he does, this highly trained Pit Bull will tear the gorillas balls off. When the gorilla crosses his hands over his crotch to protect himself, you slip the handcuffs on,

OK, says the man, but whats the shotgun for?

Im glad you asked that, says the service bloke. If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, then blow the dogs brains out

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

Scuse me, said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. What was that all about?



Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rona!
Rona who?
Rona the mill!

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Whats the mexican word for Rodney King?

– Pinata

They say an elephant never forgets, but whats he got to remember?

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Walkin Round in Womens Underwear

(to be sung to Walkin in a Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things – the wife is missin,

Didnt ask – her permission,

Im wearin her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin round in womens underwear.

In the store – theres a teddy,

Little straps – like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin round in womens underwear.

In the office theres a guy named Marvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

Hell say, Are you ready? Ill say, Whoa, Man!

Lets wait until our wives are out of town!

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress – like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin round in womens underwear!

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all tried out for the same job as road
stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever
painted the most would get the job.

At the end of the first day the red head had painted 3 miles, the brunette had
painted 2.5 miles, and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so exited
he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.

The next day the red head painted 5 miles, the brunette 5.6 miles, and the
blonde 4 miles. The boss told the blonde not to worry, you still have a good
lead.

So, on the third day the red head had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles, and
the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde,
What went wrong, you were doing so good?

She said, Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.