How do you stop an [ethnic] from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
30
Nov
30
Nov
Work is for people who dont know how to fish
30
Nov
When I die I want to go peacefully — like my grandfather did — In his
sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
30
Nov
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of three. Why cant they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
Im writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint.
The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high – as for only $2000 he could have the bureaucrat killed.
The wine made it thru just fine.
And then there was the fellow who took a far-eastern course in exotic love making and announced that hed probably never be able to face his girlfriend again.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible.
— P. J. ORourke
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
— Rita Rudner
30
Nov
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, Whats the matter? You didnt like the other one?
30
Nov
Be on the lookout for the following viruses
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 inch Hard Drive with NO memory
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data but forgets where it is stored
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes
OPRA WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted
TITANIC VIRUS(A strain of Lewinsky virus)
Your whole computer goes down
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it – through Windows
30
Nov
Q: What goes Vroom!..screech..Vroom!..screech?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
30
Nov
What did the ballerina do when she hurt her foot?
She called the toe truck!
30
Nov
You might be a redneck if…
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
29
Nov
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dishes!
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad joke!