Old and New Jokes

El día de la Última Cena están todos los apóstoles reunidos y uno de ellos dice:

Bueno, como hoy es un gran día, vamos a celebrarlo metiéndonos de postre estas maravillosas rayas de coca, especialmentre traídas de la finca de mi abuelo para amenizar esta velada. Así que vamos allá.

Se esparcen por la mesa unas rayas bien cargadas (unos 50 gramos más o menos) y de repende dice Jesucristo:

Si no os importa, ya que soy el que preside la mesa empezaré a disfrutar del postre.

No hay problema, responden todos.

Jésús se acerca con cuidado al tesoro, aproxima el rostro al sembrado blanco, esnifa con buen estilo y, una vez que levanta la cabeza, titubea; de repente… ¡Atchisssssssss…! Tose de forma estrepitosa e incontrolada.

La coca que debería seguir en la mesa se volatiliza en una humareda blanca e intangible desapareciendo en el aire a los pocos segundos.

Todos enmudecen en una expresión digna de un cuadro expresionista, pero al instante Judas se levanta y exclama:

¡Me cago en D… No es para matarlo al cabrón… No es para matarlo… Decídmelo!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

145. Leave memos on your roommates bed that say things like, I know what you did, and Dont think you can fool me.

Annals of Television: Two men whose fishing boat sank near Hawaii on Dec.
9 were rescued from a raft this week. However, Premiere Morning Sickness
reports, after hearing that Tom Arnold would be starring in another
sitcom, Richard Enslow and David Summers quickly paddled back out to sea.

Do you know the worlds funniest joke?

Neither do I.

Normal people… believe that if it aint broke, dont fix it.

Engineers believe that if it aint broke, it doesnt have enough features yet.

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. **** There is no access to fast food. **** Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. **** The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE. ***** The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. ***** They must attend weekly PTA meetings; Clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas. ***** The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. ***** The last man wins… only if… he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice. ***** If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years.. eventually earning the right to be called ******************** Mother ********************

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter
over. I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now, he says. The
waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies Excuse me, sir, would you
refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon
as I can.

The manager comes over and the bloke says Are you the chicken fucking manager
of this bastarding joint? Yes sir, I am, replies the manager but I would
prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are
private parties and clients entertaining in here.

The bloke replies Fuck you anus features, wheres the fucking piano?

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

Wheres the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid
cunt?

Ah, says the manager, Youve come about the pianist job out of the paper.

Too fucking right, the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to
speak into the microphone.

Can you play any blues? the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. Thats superb,
gasps the manager, What is it called?

I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock
end, replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. Oh, do you know any jazz? asks the manager a
bit perplexed.

The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
Absolutely magnificent, cries the manager, What is that called?

I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder
drawer, replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. Oh I say, do you know any
romantic ballads? asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most
heartbreaking melody ever. That was fantastic, crooned the manager, What is
that one called?

Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring
piece, replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by his music
that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any
of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke
gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff
toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke
retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift
one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting Where the fuck
is that fucking pianist?

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing
some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers
Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling
jissum all over your shoes?

The bloke replies Know it? I fucking wrote it!

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: Youre WHAT?!?!?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, Got any grapes?

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?

Confused, the bartenders says no.

Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a clod beer. The leper is sitting there, enjoying his beer, when he notices a man across the bar, staring at him, with an expression on his face like he is about to puke. The leper tries to ignore the man, and enjoy his beer, but the man keeps staring, and making faces. So finally, after suffering the mans stares for long enough, the leper stands, and calls across the bar, Hey man, whats your problem?? Im a leper, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I cant help it. Why do you have to be such an ass?

. the man, with the same grossed out look on his face replies, Its not you, the guy behind you keeps dipping his chip in your neck!.