Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hoffman!
Hoffman who?
Ill Hoffman, Ill puff and Ill blow your house down!

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Q: What did the duck say when he got hit by a boat in the lake

A: Quack. What did you think he said?

(This was posted a week ago in talk.pol.misc, but thought Id let you
mull it over. It is original writing, and is typical of my callous mode
of social thought which I occasionally fall into.)

Like many people, I have been thinking about the problem of homelessness in
Americas cities. Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the
spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus
stations of the cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image.
I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while
lessening the adverse impact they have on the surrounding neighborhoods.

At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly
Disney character costume. Generous insulation and bright, stain resistant
colors would help to insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful
outside. As there are so many different characters, each participant would be
able to choose which outfit most closely fits his style.

This landmark project would have manifold beneficial effects. Travelers
arriving at the bus and train terminals would no longer comment on how awful
it is to be met with wave attacks of unkempt panhandlers. Instead, their kids
could laugh and feel safe and recall fondly how Mickey greeted them upon their
arrival to the Big City. Replace the heart-rending image of a woman swaddled
in torn clothes crouching for shelter in a shop doorway with that of a warm
and sweetly blushing Snow White settled snugly down with her pullcart of
possessions in the same alcove. A societal blemish has been instantly
transformed into a fantasy attraction!

The boost this program could provide to the participants sense of self-image
would be tremendous. They would enjoy a strong sense of camaradery. Instead
of facing a bleak street existence alone, they would belong to a happy family
of playful ducks, dogs and chipmunks. This would give everybody something to
be proud of. The necessity of keeping ones uniform spiffy and ones antics
competitively endearing (to bolster handout revenues) would be easy and fun.
And, as George Bush has observed, many of the homeless people on our streets
already identify with popular cartoon figures. The transition would be
painless for most everyone.

Expensive and marginally effective substance abuse recovery programs could
be avoided by the simple expedient of dressing addicts and drunks as either
pink elephants or Dopey the dwarf. A person suffering from a nervous tic could
become Pinnochio the dancing puppet boy. Persons who habitually argue with
demons or devils could be suited up with muffled headpieces to squelch the
sudden shouts. Creative application of the basics outlined here would enable
the administrators of this plan to massage away almost ANY obstacle, and allow
them to artfully blend these people back into society.

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. Well, thought the manager, Ill give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?

?

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?

?

?

Answer: Well, DUH!…The one with the biggest breasts!

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds, I will take oil! So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, What do you want on your back? I will take nothing! says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, Ill take the Polak!

Q: Why is yawning contagious?

A: People yawn when the pressure between their ears is different from that of the outside pressure. The yawning pops the ears and thus balances the inside and outside pressure. Because of the balancing there is a perceptible drop or increase in the surrounding room pressure. And if at this moment there is another person present in the vicinity of the yawning person, this change in room pressure will cause him to yawn to balance his in-between-ear pressure to that of the room pressure. Thus the cycle goes on till the inside-ear-pressure of all the persons and that of the room pressure is equal. But since every time someone yawns, there is a change in room pressure causing some one else to yawn, the cycle never ends … UNLESS all the people in the room yawn at the same time. Since the probability of all the people yawning at the same time is very low, the yawning goes on and on, leading us to believe that yawning is contagious.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.
Eye Drops off Shelf.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One.
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000.
84 War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
Deer Kill 17,000.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.
Air Head Fired.
Steals Clock, Faces Time.
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

There was a very old woman whod had enough of life.

One day she asked her doctor how to commit suicide in a quick manner. He told her to stab herself with a sharp knife two inches below and to the right of her left breast.

A few days later he was called to the hospital on an emergency. He found the same ancient woman in the emergency room with a horrible stab wound in her knee.