Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there werent any light bulbs in the 13th century.

One day a blonde lady went to a local Florida Department Store to buy a pair of alligator shoes. As she was looking at a very nice pair of shoes she noticed the very expensive price. She didnt have enough to pay for the shoes, and she was outraged. She marched right up to the counter and told the clerk exactly what she thought of him.

She left very angrily, but on her way out she made a comment to the clerk and in that comment she said,With prices like these I should just go out buy me a gun and kill my own alligators.

the clerk replied very sarcastically,Good Luck!

The clerk went on with his day not even thinking about the lady that came in early.

As he was locking up to go home at the end of the day something caught his eye. There in the swamp was the lady waist deep with a gun in her hand. At that moment something else caught his eye, off to the left about 25 yards away was an alligator swimming right towards her.

The man started jumping up and down screaming at her trying to get her attention. She turned seen the alligator took aim and shot.

She drug it to shore where there was about eight other alligators laying dead on their backs.

Then she flipped it over too and said,damn this one is not wearing shoes either.

Another blonde sent a post card home:



Having a wonderful time….Where am I?

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, Whats so funny Pat?



Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.



Get out of my classroom, she yells, I dont want to see you for three days.



The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,Whats so funny Billy?



Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.



Again she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I dont want to see you for three weeks.



Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.



Where do you think you are going? she asks.



Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.

There were four men at a golf club playing a normal game.One man went to the bathroom.

The first guy says my son is so successful



being a stock broker , he evn gave a stock folder away for free.The second man says my son is so successful being a house salesman, that he gave a house away for free the third man says my son is so successful being a cars saleman that he gave a car away for free.the forth man came back from the bathroom and the other guys asked how well his son is doing.The man saysmy son is gay but he is doing really great he just got a stock folder a house and a car.

– Snowflakes.

While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed
over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, Whats
your hurry?

To which she replied, Im late for work.

Oh yeah, said the cop, what do you do?

Im a rectum stretcher, she responded.

The cop stammered, A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?

Well, she said, I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until its about 6 feet wide.

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? he asked.

You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!

A man asked his wife what shed like for her birthday. Id love to be six again, she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of

the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly, asked, Well, dear, what was it like being six again?

One eye opened. You idiot, I meant my dress size.

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, hes still gonna get it wrong.

The blind date hadnt been all that great and she was happy the nite was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said Hey! You wantta see my underwear?

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasnt wearing any.

She glanced down and said, Nice pattern. But does it also come in mens sizes?

Get him laid. Thats what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.

Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, Im doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?. If thats too polite, say Go away now. Im doing homework.

Use the bad cat approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say Im doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet. Then, blast away. Hes been warned. Ive discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.

Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you dont want to be interrupted.

Set a small bear trap near the door. Cover it with a towel.